nah nah nah nah...nah nah nah nah....heyyy heyyy heyyy....that's my eye!

I am feeling kind of silly today, so I am going to use this post to be a general nuisance and make no sense of what I say.

You've been forewarned.


Fritizy dwiggle-swazzle, hopelessness and gloop.
Jellyfish and twinglewish, marmalade and floop.
Demi danny oni ee wah, makka meda meana moo wedda woo
flikkle flakkle mama mena ME
\
Party party piggle wiggle waggle and WE

Floogle flizzle meezle itsy bisty bo
This is a nonesense rhyme and now I'm going to go.


Ok now that all of that stuff is out of my system, wizzle....I shall continue

So I skipped school today....which was really a continual of review for chemistry that we'd already done, for finals. and since school is about 1 hr away, i didnt think it was worth driving two hours so that i could waste my time sitting in class.

thats all i have to say











Finals are coming up, i have one a day each starting monday...

BUT THEN ITS CHRISTMAS!


Then after christmas its time to get my wisdom teeth out. then the next semester starts on the 11th of Jan.

Then I need a job.



woot.




silly time's over. time to go eat somthing with sugar.


bye ya'll

Doing it again....

So I'm in my ENGL comp. classroom again....with nothing else to do....I see Mondays are going to become my blogging days!

There is 12 minutes left till class even starts, but I was getting bored in my car.

I can't wait till I get this schedule fixed! Which means I can't wait for my Spring schedule to start.

It would be perfect, except for the fact that we're going to have to re-take out a loan again....Or that's what we think.

Katie and Brian challegned me to meet soemone new this week...and I doubt it's going to happen. But if the oppotunity arises, I won't shirk from it....that's the version of Lauren BEFORE she became surrounded with all sorts of people at once. Ha.


So in ENGL we still haven't gotten our last portfolio grade back. And the next one is due in a few weeks.....WTC? It's confusing as slightly irratating.

Blah.

Oh well.


It just means that if I don't get it back soon I wont know if I have to change up how I write in order to pass this class....woopee.


8 min till class....


it's a 12:30 class if anyone wants to know.....


I can't wait for my longest days to be from 12:30 to 4:45....it's going to be bliss compared to this.....

More and more people coming into the classroom.

We're supposed to be finishing up a movie...or maybe just continuing it today....it's called Finding Forrester. It's interesting so far, and we have to write a movie review on it after we've finished. I"ve taken notes, but it looks like I'm one of the few.

Idk.

Looks like ppl had good Halloweens.....many ppl watched movies with friends.....I just stayed at home pursuading my sis to actually hand out candy to little groups of children.....for a while it was like pulling teeth.

But that was the most exciting thing that happened to me Saturday.

Looks like someone's here to put the movie in.....but there's mass confusion as to HOW to get the movie up....this'll be interesting....

3 min to go, and ppl ate streaming in.....here we go....

Halloween

So it feels appropriate to blog about today's holiday (I don't think it should be considered a HOLIDAY, unless it's helping me get off of school for the day.... :]) and how I remember it.


You see, I haven't truly participated in the holiday for many a year.

Last year, I was stuck in someone else's house housesitting/dogsitting for them. Which wasn't a problem, I just didnt get to see lots of people that I knew dressed up in my neighborhood, including the girl I still babysit.

Years and years ago, I went out to trick-or-treat while with a cold, and though that was the BEST holloween I've ever had (well maybe except for another one in OR) I ended up getting Bronchitis......bleh.

And the BEST Halloween was in OR at my church. They had a cardboard box maze...and we had to crawl through the entire HUGE structure through the church. It was the BEST :) That was years ago now.

Tonight however, I get to see Macie as Tinkerbell, and might hand out some candy if someone wants me too. I'm not a fan of that, b/c I know that as a kid, you want the most & best when you trick-or-treat. On the other hand, as the passer-outer, you're trying to make sure your limited candy will stay in stock for a pretty good amount of time. So too much or too little is possible. I don't like the "one-candy per house" rule, b/c when I trick-or-treated that's how I determined if I liked these people I didn't know haha

So yeah. I have a limited-idea of Halloween, and not necessarily entirely positive. I've never truly enjoyed the whole dressing up thing, and Natalie LOVES it. She's father time with her time flies this year (lol). She's such an actress...and all I could think of was how much this costume cost in time and money, how much time I was requiring my mom to take out on me, and how often I'd actually use this costume. Which is why for 3 or 4 years straight I was a black cat, and I used the same outfit every year.

I'm so weird......


Happy Halloweeen!!!!

Facebook

Love it, hate it.

Love it b/c it gives me the ability to see my people during the week, though we're far apart doing different stuff, and be able to see what's going on with them....


Hate it b/c I get to see how many of my friends/people that I'm around are in relationships.

Bleh.


That's all I have to say: Bleh.

Oh and that more and more, now that they're in college, and have time for them.....are IN relationships....which emphasizes the loneliness factor that I've been feeling lately.

Ok, leaving the depressing factor of this blog......


HAPPINESS INSTEAD:

It's greatly possible that I can get the EXACT schedule that I want for the Spring when I register tomorrow at 6, even though the classes have been open for register SINCE MONDAY.

I know this b/c I've checked and hardly anyone has registered for the classes I want....at the most 9 out of 45 people have registered...and that's for Art appreciation..........


WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!






....





So passing past that point of confusing emotions that make me want to sleep till it goes away.....


Thanks for reading :)

GREAT NEWS

Ok, so not so amazing but I GOT A 90 ON MY LAST CHEM EXAM!!!!! WOOT

Which means that if I don't entirely screw up the rest of the semester, that I SHOULD pass this class.....WOOT

So yeah. That's happy news. :)

Comp lab engl classroom

Sitting in Comp. Lab for English.

Nothing to do for another 15 minutes. Class starts then.

I think I get to class half an hour early because then I'm not stressed if I'm going to make it to class. But 30 min is a tad ridiculous...except for my first classes...where I might need those 30 min if I'm in traffic.

I leave home at 8:30 on mon, wed, and friday...and leave at 8:00 on tues, thurs. this is because I count backwards an hour from half an hour before class starts. For example....mon wed fri I have EDG, which starts at 10. which means 30 min before is 9:30.....and an hour before is 8:30.....the same goes for tues thurs, b/c Chem starts at 9:30.

But during the day, since I don't leave campus until my day is done.....getting to class 1/2 an hour early might be a tad over-acheiving.

But if I didn't do it I couldn't do stuff like this.

Well I haven't written in this thing in quite a while. My reasons are the same as the rest who stop writing in their blogs. I didn't think many would miss me if I left off. And, of course, I've been busy.

Busy trying to pass Chemistry this year (the 3,000 dollar class...), busy balancing classes and stress-levels, busy balancing being lonely, yet still trying to be careful who and how I invest mtyself into strangers.

A few minutes till class, and no email saying that it's cancelled. I hope we get our scores back from our first essay & other stuff today.

I have to re-write my Pre-Calc homewrok, as I did it on Wednesday on the paper that he gave the homework on...and he doesn't like getting that back.

After this class it is the 3 hr 15 min break till the 1/2 hr before Pre-calc class.

6 more minutes till class starts...she doesn't tend to get here till at least a min before....if not right on time.

5 min.

What else can I talk about?

Oh yeah, props to Katie Shamblin for telling me to blog again. I wouldn't have thought of taking up my time this way if it wasn't for her.

...hmmmm

Yesterday was good I suppose. Didn't get to hang with certain people that I wanted to enough (or at all) though.

4 min.

More people streaming into class...so I'd better wrap it up.

Hopefully I'll get around to blogging more often, though I can't promise it.

Later

Relief

Got out of Mechatronics Thurs. Well, technically, I turned in my withdrawl form thursday, though my immunization form still needs to be completed and turned in. I don't know if that'll effect them taking me out of the class, but oh well!!! I'm out of it!!

I still think the Personal Assistant occupation would work out, but my mom is bringing other options to the table, and I liked the Industrial/Organizational Psychology Field. The definition I was given for this major is:

"involves the science of applying an understanding of human behavior with an emphasis on improving productivity and workplace quality". Which I find interesting. One thing, however will be something I will really have to work on in order for this major to work out with me. I would have to be more assertive than I am right now in order to help in the workplace. So idk what God's going to do with me, but this is at SPSU, so my credits would for sure transfer, the loan wouldn't have any trouble (which is helpful to my parents) and I would just be changing majors...and I believe everything but chem...maybe even chem is required in this field, so nothing would be to waste. And even if it doesn't it could count as a free elective....as I need 14 after taking the mandatory credits for this course.

So yeah, nothing set in stone, I need to finish out my first semester, then who knows what'll go on :)

Just happy that I'm out of that class, and oh yeah...got the Mercedes today, so i guess i finally have my own car now yay :)

Life Decisions.

College is very complicated to me. I think that is mainly because I don't truly know what I'm going to employ myself in, so there are so many choices, yet not enough somehow.

So I started out with college in order to challenge myself, so I came to SPSU, decided to get into Intro. to Mechatronics, and take chem, pre-calc, edgraphics, and comp 1. It ends up that I like comp and graphics better than the rest (though I'm ok with chem so far), and mech. ends up being my least favorite class. Not only that, but now, every time i come out of that class, I'm so stressed out and I really want to cry.

Can you say YUCK. I've decided that I don't like where this class is going, and, thinking into the future, i dont think id like MYSELF if I stayed in this class, let alone make it a profession.

The thing about engineers is that they are problem solvers. this is great, sounds great, but its not me. They focus on creating something to solve a problem. I focus (and want to continue to focus) on people as individuals and their needs. Now, if you look at this in a certain way, you can believe that solving problems is helping people. And it is. Indirectly. They are all focused on finding solutions and fixing things, and I am just not cut out of that cloth.

I was not wired to be an engineer, or at least the kind I've seen so far. I don't know how Mr. David does his stuff, because I cannot be in that environment and yet care for people at the same time.

And being stressed out everytime I THINK of Mech. is not good for me either. It's almost self-preservation by dropping this class.

Now, I know this sounds like I'm not "living up to potential" or "taking the easy way out", but I want to be a personal assistant. Secretary if you will. I've come back to this profession three times now, and it seems to fit. I've done some of the work before, and I enjoyed doing it, just didnt like the environment it was placed in.

Getting an Associates doesnt seem to be nearly as stressful, and also is less, not to mention if i go to this one school that my mom and i were looking at, its less of a drive. which would be nice.

My credits might transfer (I'm trying to just finish up this semester, then move on), though they dont require any sciences, but that's not too bad, I'll just have gained some more knowledge, that's all. And that's not a bad thing.


So yeah, this is what's going on, and in addition to that my citation ticket costs $122 so i probably wont be able to go to the passion conference this January. Grr. Oh well.


How's stuffz with you?

School

Yuck.

so many things in my head right now. none of them pleasant or nice.....most of them is result of anger and frustratedness.

i dont really want to talk about all of them....most i cant really put into words

one however is about my intro to mech class. lets just say i really would love to cry right now.

so frustrating.

two days isnt enough for a weekend

blah

Being Sick

I dont know anyone who enjoys being sick.

I don't know many who wish to be around people when they're sick.

As for me, if someone's talking to me while I'm sick, I wonder what is wrong with them. Why would you be talking to someone, exchanging air with them, while they are sick!?!?!? It makes no sense to me.

So either it's my mom or no one please. My mom b/c I've grown up with 'mom will make it all better', even if it means giving you the digusting medicine, I know she knows that it'll make me better faster, so at least someone knows what to do. Everyone else just needs to leave.

So me being at school while I'm sick was a hard thing for me. I'm not a sociable person when people are around me and I'm in need of tissues. It's not that I am mean, or refuse to talk to people, for some tried to talk to me (not to mention on the days that my voice was shot, great idea) and I did answer, I just wanted the conversation to stop asap.

I gotta wonder what it will be like at school once I'm happy being around people, instead of wanting class to start, then end, then the day to end so I can go home and go to sleep.

Oh, and b/c I'm sick I've had to miss two different birthday celebrations. Both of which I wanted to attend...even though they were on the same day. YUCK.

Being sick takes the fun out of everything.

Oh, and I'm having this weird thing that idk if it has to do with my digestive system or not....its in my abdomen area, and its a sharp pain for 4 seconds that really really hurts. this morning I kept having them 11 seconds apart. They woke me up and everything. I had them for so long that not only did I count them out, I got used to them and they stopped hurting as much. It was about two hours before they stopped. Almost as if I was having contractions, but probably not as painful.

Plus side of being sick: nothing except watching movies b/c there's nothing else to do. Waa-hoo.

I also get to miss church tomorrow, b/c I'm trying to get better by monday. It's not going to happen, but hopefully by then I'll be almost normal and wont be completely antisocial. We'll see.

I'm going to be missing everyone from church, especially my summer buddies. Getting close to them this past summer was the best. This past summer and the summer before that are pretty much neck and neck on the best summers ever in my life. Or at least the ones I remember :)

Over and Out.

Updation -- is that even a word?

Strangely, yes, it is a word...and I have proof:

Main Entry:	updation
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	updating; the act or process of bringing up-to-date
Usage:	informal

Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/updation

How weird can you get?

Well I decided I'm going to be typing in a different format today, just to shake things up a bit.

College starts soon (5days), and I'm slightly nervous about it, as I have NO idea what I've gotten myself into, focusing mainly on sciences (which are NOT my specialty, but I wanted to use college to stretch myself, so here we go....) and having a graphic design class that has to do with drawing. Which I am not good at either.

Oh dearie.

But, if it works out as planned, I'll be taking my mind to a different level and will hopefully get the jist of all of the classes...and thankfully my CHEM classes are split up three ways...not including my CHEM lab. Which I think I shall eventually enjoy, once I get past memorizing all sorts of stuff that I may or may not use.

Moving onto another topic (which is why I've changed formats, isn't this fun?), my room is moving along, and I was trying to upload a few pictures to show ppls what the bed looks like, but my phone refuses to be recognized by my computer, so I'll try later with a real camera.

My desk should be done by next week today, so It'll be after I start school, but not too far after.

My bathroom is going to get shelves with some customization that will hopefully hold my hairdryer and flat iron instead of them laying on wire shelving and getting tangled up.

Soon I should also have a hand rail down my wall, and all of the bare wood stained to mostly match my floor, yay!

Still nothing on the matters of a bedside table, chairs, nor something to permanently put my laptop on (I want it to be a separate rolling platform that I can move around my room or put next to my desk without having to pick it up. It's freakishly heavy.), so yeah, moving right along.

Finishing up this post I wanted to talk about my weight. It's getting weird. I gained 4 lbs in a week. The weirdest part is before this strange occurance I was unable to gain that amount of weight in 3 years, let alone 1 week. So weird.

At first I thought the scale was messed up somehow, 'cause yesterday I was 117. But I checked my weight at the house I babysit in and I was 117.6 there. So I guess it was ok. BUT THEN, I checked my weight shortly after eating this morning and lo and behold......119.....I've never SEEN that weight on the scale before.

My mom says it's a good thing, that I finally look healthy, but I'm scared my 'miracle matabolism' has gone bye bye and ill continue gaining weight overnight till I burst.

Of course, this will never happen..ill just simply stretch and stretch and stretch........till I cant see my feet. Oh joy.

I hope my mom's right and I dont continue to gain weight at this rate and simply level out at 120....which is supposedly the healthy weight for me......Idk, I'm just tyring to figure out how to stop it if I have to.

Over and out!

old coming around with the new

So many things are going on right now:

• Tomorrow I'm getting my haircut!!!
• Wednesday I get my BRACES GONE
• I know of 3 ppl now from 3 different phases of life going to SPSU with me this year....creepy feeling
• aunt sandy is here!!
• i go to ikea on thurs. with 3 of my fav. ppl to see if i can find stuff for my room
• I am talking to someone who I told never to talk to me again for various reasons....its been more than a year and he's decided to try talking to me again.....something about thinking about his past
• D and G are going to public school....second day tmr....d's first time in public school was today....
  

So about the haircut, I want to keep the majority of my length...maybe two inches off at the most...but layering up my hair...giving it more style...and maybe have some sweeping bangs again would be nice....I get to talk to Amanda again!! I haven't seen her in over a year...she's my favorite hairstylist


WEDNESDAY!!!!! I'm so stoked!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA Braces off...NO MORE BANDS....yesssssss


the three ppl are

1. dylan eggland (or w/e) from 6th grade(macedonia)
2. david klien from 7th and 8th grade (kings)
3. andy mauldin(MLC)

It's wierd...'cause i ended one phase before i started my new one...and now they're all coming together all at once....AT MY NEWEST PHASE OF LIFE!!!!! Can you say creeeeepy


Sandy is here and she is one of the 3 favorite people :) end of story


I dont have a bed frame (platform bed)
I dont have a desk
I dont have various other things I would prefer in my room and bathroom in order for me to be happy with my new room...right now being on the floor feels weird...
The two other fav. ppl besides sandy is my mom and mrs. BETSY!!! last time i saw her i think i was using her rosetta stone spanish for my interview with the spanish professor at spsu...long time


yeah with this guy thing...i'm kinda freaked out 'cause i got really messed up when we were friends...and i dearly hope ive learned a lot more since the last time we talked...i just have to try to forget the past and just think of him as another boy.....brian is the guy that's my close guy friend now....not him....and ill be fine.....because i DO become my best around brian....so he's the one that matters.....


About the public school thing...D is making me mostly crazy with this whole guy deal.......i really hope she gets over the fact that the playing feild has gotten much bigger with public school and realize that most of them arent worth the time of day...and for her to stop talking about the cute one in her chem class.....bleck


So yeah alot's happening...alot i have to remember...along with things i dont want to....i need sleep too...so yeah.....


Dear God,

you know my past, present, and future. you know what i need, what i will mess up on....and what is good for me. thank you for being my Lord.

Amen

Where I am right Now

So school starts in about 5 weeks for me now.....

Starting at college is a little daunting.....but it looks like it'll be good...just dont know how the workload is going to happen...if it's going to be too much or not that much of a change or not enough so i get bored and slack off...and then not get the HOPE which I am HOPING for (lol)

about Interning....it's been good for me to be busy and God's been preparing me through it for being busy every day for upcoming college days where I'm gone from the house every day.....except saturdays.....

anywho......

I've made a bit of progress in certain areas that I wont specify in....just that I am feeling better about certain relationships...and I've become friends with people this past summer that I didn't know before....which is always fun :)

i feel like the beginning of college is going to be a bump for me...'cause of the transition....oh and idk what im going to do with my hour drive to/from school every morning/evening every day.....

hmmmm

so yeah......

Sandy is coming soon

braces are coming OFF in 14 days......WOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stoked....can ya tell???

and all hearts become one.........

----------------
Now playing: Switchfoot - Living is Simple
via FoxyTunes

it keeps changing

yeah, I know i keep changing my blog name....but im just not satisfied with it....and i like new names....and its one of the bad sides of me.....liking to change things/get new tings all the time...


as you can see( who in the world is reading this?) im not really caring to capatilize my words nor really pay attention to if im spellung it all right....

thats in aprt b/c im sick and my care center is mainly off, but also b/c of other reasons that give way to me not caring

for one....it feels like everyone my age is doing something this summer, simply b/c they graduated. so not happening in my arena. my big whoop for the summer is going to atlanta to spend maybe a few days with my mom and dad b/c they have to be down there anyways and "it might be nice to do stuff down there". woopee

the biggest trouble with this whole thing is not the places they go but the fact that they're doing it with lots of their friends....and that im finding all of this out on facebook.

so im getting in the depressed arena everytime i go onto facebook.

i should prob. boycott facebook for the summer just so i dont have to see whaqt people are doing, whether its celebrating graduation or just b/c they have friends and ideas to exxcecute.....either way its making me not want to wake up in the mornings.....

i only have a life on wednesdays, b/c then kara, d, gnat, heather and i go do stuff...which is sort of a tradition....but not really.

i need to get better....its something in my sinuses....and its really annoying....and my nose hurts too.....im typing without loking at the jey borad.....wow really close......lets try again....


with my eyes closed I can type pretty fastl....this is sotr of easu....but not.....ugh i just sneezed,,,,,,thius is no fun.....


haha i used commas....

ok im bored now....


tibit: im afriad of being in the same state im in (state of being) right now after college....but ppl keep telling me so much is going to change.....i dont believe them...i think ill still be lonely after all of this is over...

Random thoughts..

In no particular order:

• Last time I went and exercised I lost at least 2 pounds, which I couldn't afford, and now I'm going to go and do it again, I hope I don't lose anymore....that would be bad....then I'd be 108 and as it is 110 is not enough.....My stomach is completely flat (which I suppose is good, but annoying cause I can see the results of my losing weight) now.

• Seeing everyone's plans for the summer, or even just what they're doing today on facebook makes me feel jealous....they actually have plans!!! Or they did something! Either way it makes me not like this stage of life I'm in. My summer plans are as follows:

1. Highschool event June 5 & 6
   
2. Babysitting for a whole week the second week of June
3. Maybe being in Atlanta with my Mom & Dad every other day for a week...the rest of the days be the only one at home
4. Student Orientation (which scares me) June 15 & 16

Woopee. Sounds like loads of fun doesn't it? Oh well, I'll be looking for the fun and blessings in the midst of those plans as usual.....just wish something BIG (that I consider fun) would happen for my last summer before college.....

• I really really really really really want my braces off soon....my next orthodontist appt. is on the 27th, and I'm hoping for it to be the last or the next to last appt. before I get them off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want them gone before college....

I had something else to talk about, but I have forgotten it.....

I guess this post was mainly to just talk things out.......


Tibit: I stumble ALOT....if you dont know what that is, look up: stumbleupon.com
'tis amazing fun.....well if you're bored that is....

Inner Self

During Fuze Sunday we were challenged to find our inner-selves, the person who is YOU.

Well, because of my history, I have had plenty of time to only do this and as a result this wasn't much of a challenge.....there are only a few things I do not like to come to grips with that they are a part of me.

For example:

...I cry often. If I'm happy, I feel like I'm going to cry. If I'm sad, I'm going to cry. If music touches my consciousness in a certain way, I cry. If I'm laughing really hard, I usually cry. The only time I am not likely to cry (tears) is when I'm in pain. I just tend to cry-out (if it's alot of pain) or just grit my teeth and bear with it until it goes away. So I guess you can easily tell if I'm in alot of pain...I'll actually have a reaction...


...I am afraid of messing up because of ignorance on my behalf. I'm afraid of messing up relationships, my life, someone else's life, someone else's feelings, a conversation, anything that has to do with messing up because of ignorance. Which makes me sort of on the paranoid side. And which also results in why I'm not more outgoing. It's all because I'm afriad of not doing well because I don't know what the person really needs, who they are, what they stand for, or why they are here. Which, I know, is the whole point of actually meeting them, but I still have this little factor that doesn't go away when I'm around people I don't know. I feel a responsibility to know, to find out, or to understand automatically. This is a constant dilemma of mine that I struggle with daily.


...I am a helper. I feel like I was made to help others in whatever pursuit they go toward. This also connects to the previous paragraph, as it has to do with a fear of not being prepared enough in order to actually help them. This is why I try to make myself available for anyone and everyone, becuase I have an inborn compulsion to help others in their circumstances. This sometimes has become my downfall, as I used it in a relationship with this one guy that I knew needed help, and I believed the way to help him was to give him what he wanted and be his girlfriend. I realized later that this was not the case and that allowing for that to happen without interest in him on my part was the worse move I could make in our friendship. Now we haven't spoken in a year because I had to break off our friendship. He was untintentionally (or maybe intentionally, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, as he was a sweet guy) messing with my inner self, and I had to figure out who I really was after I had only spoken with him over the phone or IM.




These are three inner parts of me that go to the core. And now I've shared information about me that I don't often do.


tibit: I always think I'm not describing things clearly and so it's my fault if others don't understand what I'm saying....

its official

no one blogs anymore

agh I need fun........well im not as depressed as before, but i still feel like im just going through the motions and not really enjoying myself...

so done with writing already, i guess i know why many dont blog anymore....there's not much to say...


though im scared spitless of orientation........june 15 and 16th, its an overnighter......scary scary stuff for me............coplete strangers on my own.....overnight..........

aaaaaaahhhhh


but im trying not to think about it and just take one day at a time.......


tibit: my voice gets higher when i talk to people i dont know. its irratating....and if i laugh, it turns into a giggle.....even more irratating......i promise im not that airheaded sounding when you get to know me!!!

a few simple phrases

A few phrases in mind:

you feel so low you can't feel nothin' at all (Taylor Swift, Forever and Always)

even the man in the moon disappears/ somewhere in the stratosphere (forgot who by)

These two are just floating around in my head.

And so life continues.

Is it my own problem?

I don't often tell others how I'm feeling if it's in a negative spectrum.

This is for certain reasons I can give you right now:

1. while I am bemoaning my troubles, I feel guilty for taking up their time in something that I know I will get over eventually, not to mention taking up the time they could be using to let me know what's going on with them.
   
2. the people that I want to tell are busy often, so that puts more guilt on top of it, which leaves me to #3...
3. the people who are available can't help me. they either aren't made to be listeners and tell me their troubles right after as if to let me know that they know how I'm feeling (though this only makes me feel like they are trying to compete with my miseries, and I do know they're only trying to help), or they try to listen and seem distracted half the time. those are usually the busy ones as well.
4. complaining is a big no-no to me. I even refuse to cry in public most of the time, because it seems like im complaining. if someone starts complaining of their situation, i have a hard time listening with an open heart. most of the time i just want to hit them over the head and say "LOOK! your situations don't make you! this is just a season in time! you can be better than this if you just look for the blessings and at least TRY to ignore these hard times!" and yet sometimes I want to have someone where i can do the same thing to, which would make me a hypocrite (which I also hate), so i don't say anything at all and let them whine. (FYI when I mean complain I mean the whining type of complaining.)
   
5. I'm afriad if I start I'll never stop, and then I'll start crying and I'll eventually pass out from exaustion. Yes, this has happened before, because I save my hurts till i cant stand it anymore and i start to cry without any trigger at all and someone notices and asks me what's wrong. (this is usually when my hormones are out of whack at the same time)
   
6. put all of this together, with a few other things im sure i forgot to mention, makes me not want to tell others how im feeling until I burst.
   

And really, if you want to know how I'm feeling right now, I want to burst.

burst into a thousand pieces so no one could find the matches and stop exsisting. Or just to rest. I don't know, i know I don't want my life to end, but at the same time eternal peace seems tempting. I would never commit siucide (think about it, if the last act of your life would be taking the gift God gave you and abusing it, and then you go SEE Him straight after, wouldn't that be humiliating?!?) but I wish he'd just take me and get over with it sometimes. It's not my job to give out death and life, but I wish the God of it all would!

I guess it's becuase life is so frustrating, and tiring, and sometimes dreadful, and you dont even want to get out of bed some mornings, that you want all of it to end.

what was the point of all of this?

i'm not sure. somthing to do with my own problem, and i know I had a point, but when i talk i lose all threads of the convo and just rove along.

this is my best replacement for talking. i know i have plently of friends who would sit and listen to me talk to them about this, but despite how much i love them they don't feel to me like the person I can share it all with. my mom is the closest person to a best friend I have right now, becuase she's a pretty good listener, and she's had to deal with my break downs for years now, but i feel guilty for taking up her time all the time, as she's busy and has her own stuff to deal with and the bemoanings of her teenage, hormone ridden daughter shouldn't be her #1 priority. I know she loves me, she's given me plenty evidence of the fact, as she hugs me when I open my arms (which is every day, at least twice a day), and listens when she can (which is usually at the end of the day when she's exausted) and so she has shown me she cares, but that gives me even more guilt that im taking up her time.


agh the weight of my world plus everyone else's that i care about on my shoulders.



and I go through this every few months and its this stupid/silly constant cycle that my mom has to see me go through over and over, and it usually has to do with me being lonely in a crowded room. even with people who love me all over the place, i still have a hole somewhere near my heart, and recently it's been growing without my consent.

you know i like making people laugh. that's a simple joy that i have no idea how it happens or when i got funny.


I dont know if i'd call myself a stressed out person, but every once in a while i get stir-crazy just like everyone else and feel like getting in the car and driving till nothing is familiar and just sitting somewhere where the warm wind blows and just being.


I love to just be. its a rare occassion for me, and there are few people who i can just be with. well, if i was to be completely honest, only two, and almost three. my mom knows of these people and i am blessed to know them, but i hardly get to see them and soak in their wonderfulness as they have busier lives than me. and it hurts.


...and it hurts....

Pressures and relief

So I'm not so happy about going into summer doing more Physics, and probably some Trig. too, but it's supposed to help me later on in school if I have to take physics, so that I can understand most of what's going on in the class. Does that make any sense?

just to give you an idea of how much farther i need to do, i have to complete a unit 4 test today and there are 11 units in all. ow.

hopefully though i can drop it b/c i wont be having physics till at least two years from now in college, so i wont have to go through the whole thing. but my mom is the one that will be telling me how far i need to go, b/c she's still in charge of what i do and dont do to prepare myself for college.

Being 18 doesn't do much right now, but who ever said an age gave you rights? I'm just legal now and can be held as an adult in a court of law. that's about it. rights for the other guy, not the person who is in the time period of living.

but i do know that if it was up to me i'd stop physics right now, and that wouldn't help me very much, so it's for the good of me that my mom is in charge of it, just frustrating b/c i feel like im dragging my heels and scolding myself at the same time for doing so. being a schiz is no fun. :P

Of course I'm not really schiz, just feel like im tearing myself apart inside from wanting to do the healthly thing on one hand and on the other wanting to just have some fun and get back to work later. but that's not about being an adult, and i dont want to act like a few people i know, so i keep going...and then the cycle repeats itself.

as i said, im tearing myself up...and it seems to be a daily occurance.

im beginning to treat this blog as almost a diary for the world. the only things i dont write in here are things i dont write down at all. or say outloud either.

I'm reading Enna Burning again. it's the sequel to the goose girl. i like that stuff.

i should probably get to that practice test, then the acutal test now. procrastination makes me feel guilty. but it still makes me feel good at the same time.....ugh tearing up inside........


tibit: I was planning on putting a relief down, but i cant think of any that i can do, yet makes me want to get back to work. :(
Ow

Money

Isn't it nice to have money? the best thing for me is having a wachovia account that I can access online and can use a debit card.

I love buying things online. my most recent purchase is my ipod nano that I LOVE and have talked about more than once on here :)

i'm thinking about getting some speakers maybe to go with it and to put in my room, but I might want to wait till my new room is done first before I get into buying permanent-rather expensive- accessories.

ive been listening to a fave r&b/rap (not quite sure what category it's in...?) song over and over....1, 2 step by ciara, one of the few that isn't really provacative, but fun :)

I know it's not a traditional one that I like (usually christian stuff) but this is one of the few songs I dont tire of and can dance to...practically taught how to dance on this thing by Jen (one of the things im thankful for from her).

I bought it on itunes, which I like alot :)

We're supposed to have cheesecake tonight celebrating D's bday yum :)

Lie To Me is on at 8, then AI at 9....I wonder who's going to be off of the lineup tonight??



Tibit: I'm usually pretty good with my money, unless it has to do with office supplies, accessories (idk why), or other people's gifts...then I just buy without much of a budget. More so with other people's gifts...from worst to best its other's gifts-accessories-office supplies....lol

sharing

Just decided to share:

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	12
Physical Touch:	7
Acts of Service:	6
Words of Affirmation:	5
Receiving Gifts:	0

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Tour

Had a tour of SPSU with my mom, which was kinda fun, b/c I got to see more of the campus without looking like a strange girl lost :P

The funny thing was that I was the only girl in the group, but that's how it's going to be there...the ratio at SPSU is 70 guys to 30 girls :P Which isn't too bad, considering I thought it was more like 80-20, but it's still a majority, and of that majority it's mainly Asians and African Americans, so I'm in the MINORITY minority haha. Oh and I'm also going into Mechatronics, which even LESS girls go into that so I'm minority minority minority....and one for good measure....minority lol


Anywho, it's all good, just thought I'd share that little bit.

tibit: I'm listneing to The Orphan by Newsboys
tibit 2: my nails are getting long.
tibit 3: I need a haircut
tibit 4: I'm almost done being sick and im hungry
tibit 5: I miss my people.

An emotional ache

So today I have this weird aching feeling in my emotion department, which is not good, and I don't know what the cause is, which means I don't know how to get rid of it.

Putting it into smaller phrasing: I feel icky.

Today we (my mom, D, and I) went to Northpoint and that was nice. But that's when the achey feeling started.

I love this site: sumopaint.com

'Tis the bestest to play with and try your hand at quality stuff. It's also free :) It's almost like a free photoshop, but not exactly.

So this achey feeling is mostly when I stop DOING and start thinking. It's not like a headache, 'cause it's not in my head. It's more like heartache, but as it's not certain what a heartache feels like, I'm not certain it IS heartache.

I just feel like sighing all the time and doing nothing at all constructive. Ready for summer? Idk, but I know I'd want to be doing nothing with someone. But I don't know who.

This is such a sad feeling (I would say annoying, but it doesn't feel like I have enough energy to be annoyed). I want to curl up in a ball and just lay on my side till it goes away.





Made this on sumopaint.com
You should really try it.

Later

The random funness of having fun friends...

So I guess I'm obsessed with spontaneity at the moment, and the latest occurrence is one of my Facebook friends finding an option on Facebook that will change your language to PIRATE!!

This is freakin' hilarious to me, because sometimes my dad randomly talks like this so its just like normal but funnier!!

Ummm.....I think that's the only reason why I decided to blog today.

I have schoolwork to do, but at least it should be a day where I'm not going anywhere.

...and I'm starting to get nervous about this whole college thing b/c it's looking like I'm going to be living at home and commuting 10 hours a week. Yuck. And on top of it all I'm probably going to have to take out student loans and that scares me b/c that's BIG money and I HATE HATE HATE owing money...


Speaking of which I need to swing by Wachovia SOON so that I can deposit my check and give my mom the money I owe her.....


Yargh.


So scared, apprehensive, slightly annoyed, and nervous all in one. and I'm not even done with highschool yet. woopee.


Tibit: I've found I'm more likely to smile in the morning if I was left alone to sleep and wake up when I think I need to get up. So I like how my mom's finally letting me manage my own time. this way, I can be COMPLETELY in charge of my time and energy, and that actually makes me feel good. Becuase I know myself and I know that I will do well. I'm not a slacker, and I know what I need. I even managed to get my shower down to 8 minutes so that I can manage my time and still get a shower in if necessary. So I'm happy about that. :)



Have a great Thursday!!

For lack of a better Title....

So I ordered my ipod nano this past Friday, and I got it Monday of this week.......looooove it!!!

I can put itunes games on it, I have all of my songs (I bought a 16 GB) and a few videos on there too, it's so cool!!!

The only reason why I'm freaking out about how cool it is is because I've had to deal with a simple ipod shuffle(which only held ONE gig), the Zen brand (which froze on me every time I tried to use it) , and the coby brand (which wouldn't play any of the music that I bought on itunes....and what's the point in BUYING music...if your mp3 player wont even recognise its there?). so I bought an ipod nano b/c I KNEW it would work with my itunes..and I liked working with the shuffle I had before, but the only problem with that was the limited space.

so now I have TONS of space left (like 12 GB) after I put everything I have plus extra stuff I bought......and I'm wondering what I should put on there.....pictures maybe?

That might work.....

Tibit: I've gotten into livelavalive stuff, as they are hilariously random youtubes, and remind me of my random vids I've made in the past....except that I don't cuss in any of my stuff and I haven't spliced any of the stuff either....but if you ignore the bleeping (yes he bleeps it out)(and no it's not in EVERY vid.) it's really quite entertaining....


THE END

Morning Slumbers

I believe I've already said that I am a night person, and would rather sleep in come morning. I am trying to think right now, but I'm having a hard time doing so for some reason. I guess it's because I'm not ready to be awake yet. Even though its 10:22....

I should be doing Physics, and I sort of am, just not watching it yet b/c I feel like it I guess.

I'm way behind in Physics. I'm going to be doing schoolwork till July or maybe until I start college. Woopee.

Idk what to want right now in the ways of living. I think I want to live on campus (no hour commute there then back again), but then I need money for that first.

Some things are still confusing to me like how these relationships work when you see one end of it, and then months later its on the complete other end. I guess because I didn't see the middle that it doesnt make sense to me.

Randomizing again today. And babysitting too, but I'm getting paid. :)

Hmm


Tibit: One of my most constant wishes is to be able to freeze time. Then I'd be able to watch people in an action (I'd have to restart time of course to continue watching) and I'd be able to get my fill of a moment or something to that effect when usually I know it's going to end before I'm ready for it to. Oh well. So goes the life of a mere human. :) :D :P

I'm baaaaack

So I've not been online in forever and a day, because of that whole Spanish thing I mentioned earlier.

Good news, when I got to SPSU and we talked to the spanish teacher, she didn't even ask me questions in spanish, let alone require me to answer her in spanish. It was a miracle only God could perform!!!

So AI (american idol) is coming up soon (like two minutes) but I wanted to dash off a quick note that I am back in the blogging world and hopefully will not be killing myself with going back to Trig and Physics (though truthfully I think it will seem easy after all of that spanish)...

Talk to all of you later....btw, I got a laptop for my bday!!!! I'm currently typing on it now, and am so happy that I have it!!



tibit: I have such strong cravings for reeses sometimes that I eat peanutbutter and chocolate chips just to get the craving partially taken care of :P

Six Flags Rush

So hopefully I'll be going to Six Flags not tomorrow, but next Saturday, and I'm already thinking about everything there.

Like today, I kept getting flashes of different rides at Sixflags....I guess I'm just really excited!

I really have nothing else to say except that everything at SPSU has cleared except for Spanish: I'm supposed to have an interview with the professor around the 20th....not really looking forward to it, since I haven't had a spanish class since Sophomore year....fun fun

So I hope everyone has a wonderful Spring Break..... hope to hear from you soon!

Many little things

First I want to talk about laptops. I really want one, and if I get into SPSU, I'm going to actually need one for school. So I've been going on Dell.com, doing the "build your system" stuff to see how much it'd cost to get a new laptop, instead of my moms, like we're talking about. I don't want to take hers, I want one of my own. My latest creation was an Inspiron 15 for about $39 a month. That's not too bad, the one before that that I did yesterday was around $66 a month. :)

I also want to mention cookies in a cloud.............best stuff ever!! It's chips ahoy cookies soaked in milk and layered with TONS of coolwhip, and it is amazing! My parents made some for group last night and I was able to have some of the leftover stuff after lunch today. Yummy :)

Note: I'm not a food person, so this little paragraph shows that this stuff is the shizzle :D


Numbah 3: I have been doing some organizing of my time lately, and have come to find that I shall be doing school (Physics and some Calculus) during "summer break". I am also not actually going to have Spring Break this year, and all I can say is I'D BETTER GET INTO SPSU!!!!

So yeah, there's my writing for the day, I hope you're putting this day to a good use and learning something new!


Tidbit:
Every time I go to spell "tidbit", I want to spell it "tibit". So that's how I'm going to spell it from now on. From now on, I'm calling it a tibit, instead of a tidbit. :)
Oh, and I don't really like April Fools Day because I am a trusting person, which in turn makes me gullible. The best thing about this day is that it taught me how to laugh at myself when in reality I want to slug someone for messing with my mind.

Happy April Fools!!

Passages into Time

Writing has always been an outlet for me, usually to ease any clutter that has built up in my mind - preventing me from thinking clearly.

But I once wrote stories. I once had ideas and scenes in my mind that I would transfer to paper. I used to write.

I have kept the majority of these writings, though most of them I never completed, only started.

I miss that part of me. The ability to create fiction from my imagination, to engage someone else's mind by them reading what I've poured onto paper.

Ideas, thoughts, conversation, imagination.

I stopped writing because my sisters surpassed me in this pursuit, able to write longer and more engaging then I ever was. Or so I thought at that time.

Now I realize that if I kept going I could make my own type of stories, ones unique to me, and maybe, just maybe I could've gone into something that involved writing. Now, because I chose to abandon that hobby, I haven't written fiction in a good 4 or 5 year time.

Don't give up on what you enjoy, just because someone seems better at it than you. Granted, Deanna is brilliant when it comes to fantasy fiction. But letting go of writing was the worst mistake I made.

Now I write to instruct, or to just let it all out. I don't know if I'll ever get back into the groove of fictional writing.

Don't let it go, whatever that thing might be.

Words in a sequence mean nothing to me...

Just random words/phrases today, my mind is cluttered, yet not able to fully connect, as I did babysitting this morning starting when I usually wake up. I'm not up for this...How do single mom's do it!?!?!

Flitter, glitter, glutter, glut, gutter, mutter, moot, dictionary search, hope, cause, life, acceptance, leaf, leaves, blowing, out, over the rainbow, four score and seven years ago our for (?) fathers brought fourth upon this continent a new nation, california, itsy bitsy spider, baby bop, too much, explode, universal, purple, unchanging, fruit loop, leggo my eggo, constantinople!!!!


This is the end of my little tirade (or just randomness, whichever you prefer).


Tidbit: I have a hard time making decisions because I automatically "plug" myself into the person's mindset(the one who asked me to make the decision) to find what they would enjoy/prefer etc., without thinking and not because I wish to please but because what they think matters more to me than what I think/want.

I'm not sure if that's a confession or a tidbit, but there you go...

G-night!

Continuing to continue

I've been working on my Mom's laptop today for school, since I was supposed to talk to my "Physics helper" on my Dad's Yahoo account, but that's not working so I haven't had to do that.

I wish I had my own computer still. It would be so nice to have my stuff sitting there without me having to log out for someone else, without me pay attention to how long I've been on the computer for someone else's sake, and to be able to just WORK with it without everyone else needing it when I want to work with it.

I figured out what I'm going to bring to Fuze this Sunday for the giving away stuff deal: my old Barbies that I never got rid of but wanted so badly when I was asking for them. This of course was at least 8 years ago, but I still kept them in my room for some reason....I guess so that I could give them away.

So yeah I'm going to try to fit all of it into one bag (doubt it, there's a barbie house and car too), and bring it to Fuze hopefully on the sly. ;)

This day has been a day of daydreaming, thinking about a certain subject, and not really able to connect to everything in general.

I need to chill. Good thing Lie to Me is on tonight. (It better be) That's my newest favorite show, I can actually learn something from it, it's great. :)


Tidbit: I get claustrophobic if I can't move my elbows. This includes keeping my shoulders free, but if my shoulders are free and my elbows aren't, I'll still freak. I dont know what would happen, but I think I'd start thrashing and maybe screaming if no one was around to hear me and help.

What a lovely idea. :P

Hope you have a good day despite this slightly soggy weather we're having...

To Distract

If I am just so frustrated with someone I want to stab them, I listen to music, and I feel better -- more like myself -- and am able to breathe.

I'm still frustrated with that person, but I am able to relax my tensed muscles and just breathe...

Just breathe, it's gonna be ok.... ha hee hoo and just breathe. (Parody of Just Dance by Lady Gaga)

In, out....breathe.....
in, out.....breathe.....

It's gonna change....one thing that you can trust wont change is change....

Breathe

Little Bits of Me

I've decided to post little bits of me every time I post a new entry on my blog at the bottom of my posts.

I have no idea why I've decided on this, maybe for God to show me I'm unique...I am not sure.

So I'm following a spontaneity, and going with it, one of the things I don't do in my life pretty much at all. (this isn't the tibit lol)

So today I actually blow dried my hair and straightened it out, and it looks like it should. I keep forgetting that I've changed over the years and that God has blessed me with good looks, I have to keep reminding myself that.

I think I'm picking up D @ Timothy Ministries, but I need to check with my mom.

I'm supposed to be doing school right now, but I'm feeling kinda listless again, so I'm procrastinating.

I really really really want to know if I've made it into S. Poly. I'm almost aching with it.

But I'm also aching with somthing else so maybe I just really want to know and I'm in reality aching for the other thing. Which I will not share. It's in my personal journal, not to see daylight by the public. :)



Tibit: I like to listen to the Rap/R&B stations like 95.5 and (I guess) 94.1

Jen got me into it, and taught me to dance by those beats. I don't like to actually listen to the lyrics though, they're usually in the yuck section of my brain.


May you find a Piece of God's Happiness Today.

Monday blues

So I haven't blogged in forever and a day, but I'm feeling the restlessness of many words clogging up my thinking functions, and I decided to let some more out before I continue my schoolwork for the day.


My current stress pattern is in the form of acceptance to SPSU (southern polytechnic state university), and I'm dearly hoping to be accepted, because then at least I'll be moving forward and be doing something. If it does fall through, however, I'll be back at square one, wondering what God wants me to do.

I do not have the goals, ideas, dreams, thoughts, hopes, anything that many students start out with when going to school. I am at a loss of what to do. I know what NOT to do, but that only helps when you are in a position that you need to make the right decision. In circumstances like these, however, I have no idea what is going on. If I don't get accepted into SPSU, I'll be just here. Note: I've been in that state so darn often that I am SICK of it, and know the feeling and position so often I almost DREAD not getting into college b/c of the feeling that that comes with.

Some might say, ok you didn't get into that college, why dont you just apply to more colleges? Well, here's the thing: I am going to college because it's the step my parents tell me is the best way to go. Because I don't have any motivation for myself, I am doing what they say is right, good, etc. This getting through to this one college is a mess as it is, and the way my mind's going right now is that college isn't worth all this blood, sweat, and tears they ask for. Being a homeschool student makes it hard to get into a school, and Southern Poly looks like the eaisest one to deal with. As it was, my mom has had to work very hard to get together a packet of all the work I've done so that they can know I haven't slacked off my whole highschool career.

But if I don't get in, I'll go beserk! I don't think it's worth it! It's not worth all this pain so that I can go to a school and mess around with my head, get extremely stressed out about my grades (which I KNOW I will do), and maybe have a life change that isn't good for my well-being....I--don't--know!!!!!

So yeah, this is the current stress of my life.


I've been getting more money, which is good, because my only income is babysitting, and I have a phone to pay for, let alone summer camp this year. Luckily I was one of the few who can pay for my entire camp tuition on my own this year, God has blessed me with that.


Physics is hard, especially since it turns out that I am taking an AP Physics class, which should prepare me for college (if I get accepted), and if it doesn't then it'll turn out that I beated my brains out for nothing.


Plans: Hopefully I'll be able to go to Six Flags with Jen this coming Spring Break, as she wanted to do somthing with me, and I was truly tempted with going to Six Flags (I'm an amusement park junkie :]) and I'm already in Six Flags mode though it'll be like two weeks away lol.


Oh dear, it's getting late. I should finish my Trig today at least, hopefully by tomorrow I'll get done alot of physics, as I am behind again. Yuck.


Hope your Monday went well!

Rubber Bands

Today I went to my orthodontist appt., and got a new heavier wire + rubber bands on each side of my mouth. I can open my mouth and it'll just hang there only about a finger width wide. Fun fun.

But the good side of this is, that if all goes well, I'll get my braces off before I go to college!!! Yay!! That is very good news for me, as the one year mark is this April, and I wanted them off before the two year mark. :)

Oh, and whenever I open my mouth, it feels like I have fangs on either side b/c of the rubber bands....I've been feeling like a snake..... hisssssssssss :P


I have babysitting again today, though my usual days are Mondays and Wednesdays from 1:00-6:00 pm. Today Mrs. Bridgett has an appt. of some sort and needs me from 3:45-whenever someone gets home. Which should be shortly after, as there are some things happening tomorrow that require prep. for their family. So It'll be a relatively short day today via babysitting, but today is Natalie's Birthday!!!! She's now 12, and I hope she'll write about her party this weekend in her blog. :)


I need to get to schoolwork, as I have a ton of Physics to do, but thankfully I have 4 hours or so to do it.


Have a beautimous Tuesday!!!!

Strangeness

Today has been an ok day, gnat's been gone to a science thing all day, and my mom's been with her, it's a saturday, so no school, i got all of my chores done, and then some, and ive had some time on the computer today, and my email finally works.

And then some weird stuff has happened today.

First off: I come up from my shower (we all have to use the basement bathroom to shower, it's annoying, but we've gotten used to it) to see a package outside our front door. Ok, this is not unusual, but I love getting stuff in the mail, so I wanted to naturally see what it was. It was for my mom from amazon.com. Ok, so I can't open it. As I walk to the kitchen to put it on her place, I notice the dogs are all at the front door with me, before I even got there. They don't often do this. Usually they are in the kitchen laying on their beds. So I walk into the kitchen, Kryssi following, I notice on the floor is TONS of white fluff. The first thing that pops into my mind is: the dog's tore somthing up. note: they've been known for tearing small toys and towels, but nothing this big! As I look around for the object that had to be lying in shreds in order for that much fluff to be on the floor, I notice that this fluff is also on the counter, and nothing is shredded at all. There's just a bunch of fluff sitting where the dogs should be.
Looking around for the object the must've gave way to produce so much fluff, I spot the ceiling. It has a 2 1/2 X 2 ft hole in it. Great.
First thought: is this on purpose? You see, my dad was working in the attic today, and he was cutting holes in walls last I heard. Now, because this was the ceiling, I had my doubts. I closely observed the hole and noticed that the edges did not look cut but torn. My next thought: he must have fallen, is he ok?! There was hardly any noise coming through the hole, so I started to get panicked. But that was silly. If there was noise coming through the hole, that's when I should get panicky, right? Well, you never know with my dad so I called through the hole "are you ok?!". No answer. Great.
I move around the fluff pile to get a different view of the inside. I see him and he's working. Good. He doesn't seem to be hurt, just working. Why didn't he answer me? Well, he must've not heard me.
Nope, he was mad. He had been working hard and was standing on the beams like he was supposed to, but his leg started to shake, and he stepped back just enough to get his balance....and lose it all in one movement. I found this all out once he came downstairs.
Now the fluff is cleaned up, the hole is patched somewhat, and I'm really afraid of my mom's reaction once she gets home.
It's not that she overreacts, but she gets stressed easily now-a-days. She's supposed to get here in 15 minutes, and I'm wondering if today will continue to be ok, or if it will get into the "bad" zones.

Oh, I suppose I said there were more than one strange things that happened today, but that's about it. Besides the hole in the wall nothing of much consequence happened, except that my Aunt Paula called and we had a nice conversation. We don't get calls from anyone outside of GA very often, and as no one in our family lives in Ga, we don't get calls from our aunt, uncles, grandmas or gramps very often. So this was a nice surprise for me, and the fact that I was able to actually tell her something that was going on in my life, instead of saying "everything's good, nope nothings happening here", it made my day a little brighter.


So all in all, I suppose this title should have been "one thing strange", but strangeness seems more eye-catching dontcha think?

My Random Google for the Day:

helpful: Definition, Synonyms from Answers.com
www.answers.com/topic/helpful

Gardening Tips - The Helpful Gardener
www.helpfulgardener.com/

helpful - Definition from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/helpful

Dictionary Information: Definition Helpful - Description Meaning ...
www.selfknowledge.com/43732.htm

Patient Assistance Programs for Prescription Drug Medicines ...
www.pfizerhelpfulanswers.com/

Medicare.gov - Helpful Contacts: Search Criteria
www.medicare.gov/Contacts/home.asp

Helpful.com, Computer Consulting, Dental Solutions, Law Solutions ...
www.helpful.com/

A Helpful Guide to Search Engines, Top Page
www.monash.com/spidap.html

Helpfulvideo::Watch video,Share video,Upload video,Sell video,Buy ...
helpfulvideo.com/


Have fun with being helpful for the day!!

Once Again

I am currently procrastinating against Trig., for multiple reasons, one of which is that I am finally at home all day for the first day this week, and I'm taking joy in being able to procrastinate and still finish my schoolwork for the day.

Another reason is because I got a low score on my first Physics test and I'm bummed out b/c of it. My last reason is one you might have heard already from D, if you have read her blog recently. My dad has been cut down to half a salary, and it is almost like him getting laid off, because when he was laid off we survived off of our savings, which is now less than half of what it used to be. So if you look at it that way, we're almost in the same position we were in 4-5 years ago. But that doesn't mess with me, because I know God will take care of us, as he's always done, and I actually have my own "job" right now and it won't change the things I enjoy as of now, like going to church and having friends there. The only reason why I'm rambling on about this stuff is to show you that I have some things on my mind and that is one of the reasons why I am procrastinating.

Well then! I've been trying to look at Brian's layout, since it's new, and figure out how he did it, but I have no patience to look at all that HTML, so I gave up. I used to love HTML, but now I'd prefer not to have to look through all of that. I guess I really liked it because it was something new and at the source. That excited me at one point. Now, because I know it's there, I can use it, but I need time and patience.

It really bums me out that I got a 58% on my physics test. That was not cool. I guess I don't really understand it as well as I thought. Grr now I'm going to have to go through it ALL and figure out what I didn't understand. Though it's not a great amount of stuff, it's just confusing and complicated.

I've already done some writing in my journal (remember when I said I have lots of notebooks? I use most of them, and the rest are there for future use. I only have one actual journal though. It's of stuff that's personal, so it's the equivalent of a dairy I guess, but when I think of diaries I think of "Dear Diary, blah blah blah boys blah blah" and pink stuff, so I don't really like the diary word :) so..yeah, back to what I was saying), so I'm almost written out for the day, but as you can see, enough is bouncing in my head that I can write for much longer than I think I can.

I wonder why when I have written lots of words out on paper or on here, that random words come into my head, just like they're escapees. For example: wonder, random, wish, wilt, whatever, can, over, many, will, how many, could would should...ok now I'm going into helping verbs.

I wonder what I should google today. I already googled blogger layouts, to see if I could find something I liked and could put it in here, but I ended up not doing that (as you can see). Hmmm....

Bored, Trig, relapse, under over through, might must may............

End

There and back again.

I have been at church planters monday and tuesday and even though I had to do my work ahead of time so I wouldn't miss any physics work or trig work, it was WORTH it!

I had so much fun at Church planters, for many different reasons, one of which is because church planters is a mix of regular church and summer camp. So, really it's like summer camp for adults...it's so much fun to be producing that kind of environment for those people, even if you're doing what I did and sitting backstage on the headset, ready to jump up and do whatever is needed at any given moment :)

The environment is so uplifting and if you get a chance to stand still and worship with the band, you don't want to stand still, you're just so filled with a kind of energy that only comes from about 400 people worshiping [oops Brian, Hannah, this IS the correct spelling ;) ] all at the same time!

It was so much fun and I wish it was longer than two days because going back to my usual life will be quite a downer after being able to contribute to that kind of a function. That's what it must feel like after being an intern at bigstuf all summer and having to go back to school after all of that energy has been a part of your daily life.

So I used this title because it struck me to use it, mostly because i didn't know what church planters would be like, and now I do.
Aaaaand, this came from Lord of the Rings, as it was the title of Bilbo's book, "There and back again" by bilbo baggins. :)

And anyone who knew that, I bow to you....


People are so smart...and if you couldn't tell...I'm feeling smiley :)

1. www.imdb.com/title/tt0858479/
2. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smart_People
3. www.stevepavlina.com/

And there you go, smart people looked up on Google. :)

Have a great Wednesday tomorrow, as for me, I'm babysitting again!

Couldn't help it:

I was organizing my bookmarks of sites on this computer, and I came across one I had stumbled a LONG time ago...

I couldn't let the moment go by and I have to share it with you guys:

http://iamneurotic.com/

It is the best (and most hilarious) site I have ever had the privilege to read. Please, share my joy in reading the quirks of this world, and look up the site. I promise you will get either a giggle out of it or will soon feel better about yourself. I have the privilege of occupying both places :)

Warning: some of the quirks written are of sexual content, but it's pretty easy to ignore them.

I have tons of other bookmarks, but I won't bother you with them unless you either ask for a post specifically composed of my ridiculous amount of bookmarks or I get a particular good one again.

Hope you had a good Saturday!!

Welll...

I was going to talk about how I tend to talk along rabbit trails, and less ramble, and how maybe I should change my name? But nope, everyone else has the names I want, so it stays the comfortable electronic ramble.

So right now I'm on an account called Ikariam, it is a random thing I stumbled that's like managing a town....its different and just a time consumer....

Thinking thinking....you know its so hard to think when people are talking at you. Which is like talking to you except that you aren't even showing interest in what they're saying and they're still talking. hmmm

College prep. is the pits. Being a homeschooler makes it horrible to try to get into college. Ridiculous stuff you have to do just to get into a college. I hate it. Makes my whole day messy.


Oh we have been watching Jon and Kate plus eight for a few days now, it's almost addicting, which is weird, b/c its like watching someone's home videos.....it's almost creepy. lol

But I do enjoy it, despite its creepy thinking/sounding-ness.

I am drained for some reason. Maybe it was the hope that I finally was able to find a college that wouldn't be to hard to get into, and it looked like it had a major I might do well in.

OH, btw, I'm now thinking about going into engineering instead of Architecture, because my mind naturally thinks in the engineer's way. I want to know how things are put together, and if I can take it apart I will....along with the fact I automatically think of how the product could have been improved on. Mostly how things function. So yeah, that's an addition to my life.

Oh and I'm going to be babysitting again right after Church Planters, starting wednesday. So I'll be getting an income again, hopefully enough to pay for camp this year, + being able to have some money left over for other things, like paying for my bed that i want for my new room after it's done, which im having rebelling issues over as I really dont want to go prime anymore. As I said, rebelling issues. On my part. :P

I'm listening to Skillet, the older I get right now, and......yeah i guess I just assed that in order to say something, as I'm out of things to say, I'm still drained, and I don't feel like being awake anymore. Which is a bad combo. Depression? Idk, ?I hope tomorrow and Church Planters will help me with perspective.

Aaaaagh.

Over and out.

Boredom and Trig.

This week I had a break from school, as we live in Cherokee county, and Cherokee has a 'year around' school system, where the summer break is shorter, but the other breaks during the school year get longer. So, me being homeschooled, my mom follows the public school system b/c Natalie is in public, and she tries to have us in or out of school at the same time.

Soo, because I have church planters this coming monday and tuesday, I have to do Trig. and Physics lessons while I'm on vacation. Well, that's fine, but right now I'm getting restless to DO somthing and I feel stuck. I dont even know what I want to do. And I have chores I need to finish in order to be able to pay for my phone bill.

So I want to be able to go to cummer camp this year, since it's going to be my last year in highschool (unless I become some sort of leader, but I can't see myself doing that) and I'm going to miss summer camp as it is. So I need to be able to babysit again (hopefully wednesday I'll start up on my normal schedule) and be able to save up enough to go and hopefully be able to put money back into my bank account.

It's really cold down here. I was hoping the weather would hold out and be nice, but nope, we're in georgia....we get maybe a week of nice spring weather, then we go inot winter again....YUCK!
I'm wearing short sleeves and my fingers are starting to feel like they're arthritic....


oooooook I still have to take out the kitchen trash, do at least one trig lesson, two physics lessons, and empty the dishwasher again before I can go do anything. Though I don't know what to do...

Ugh.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!


(that's how bored I am)



and a haaaaaapyyyy neeeeewww yeeeeeeaaaar!!!!


dun dun dun dun...............................

da da dun! (splash)

Alrighty, videos

Ok so I got votes about the vids, and it looks like four people do want to see my sisters and I in all our glory. haha

So I have so many weird videos, I'm not quite sure which ones to post.

I'm going to put these two up (mind, it is late at night ;) ), and I don't know if they will be entertaining or not, but here you go!

I missed a day

Soooo, yesterday I never got around to writing anything, thus breaking my pattern of writing once a day.

At least this means I will be writing two days worth of stuff and you guys can be entertained for a little longer.

So I totally just made a weird typo with the keyboard...my head wanted to type longer, and my hands typed long.=er. Amazing, isn't it? lol

I got to have fun yesterday b/c Hannah and Mrs. Jenny invited me to lunch at five guys, I was so excited! I get stoked when people invite me to things, as I don't usually get to anything and I never invite myself to anything. It feels like I'm being rude.

Anywho, after five guys Hannah and I walked around old navy I think, and then we went to Starbucks and talked about random stuff for a while. That was fun. I love having friends :)

Which is funny 'cause Jen French and I were friends (well, we still are I guess, though we're not close anymore), but I consider myself to actually have friends now. Maybe it's because whenever we got together it's so that she could vent. At least that's how it felt for me. I'm sorry if this is gossiping, it's just what's going through my head right now. If you don't want to hear anything more go down 2 paragraphs. :)

With Jen, whenever we got together it felt like it was about her newest drama in her life. Usually about her newest guy or her family, it felt like a continual cycle of drama. I have begun to despise drama because of this over-exposure. Yeah, she did ask me "so how are things with you?" , but it never felt like she really wanted to know, you know? More like she was just being polite and she knew how to continue on a conversation without me getting mad at her. Idk, it just left a bad feeling in my chest, and I'm feeling it right now as I'm talking about it. So we talk every once-in-a-while, but we're definitely moving apart. Which, if I was to be truthful, feels good. I guess I should feel bad about it, but it's almost a relief to know that she's chosen a path I cannot and will not follow down. Frst becuase she's married, second because what she considers to be life and fun are not my ideas of life or fun. We're just not in the same world anymore. And I guess I'm glad we're drifting b/c that helps me understand that I don't have to try anymore. I had to try so hard with her. Try to help her understand, try to not make her mad when it came to guys (she always thought I was stealing her b/fs and flirting with them, I hated that b/c I never conciously was), try to balance understanding with what she was saying and balancing what I understood about the whole situation, trying to understand that she found some things fun that were wrong, trying to stay myself despite who I was becoming when I hung out with her...just trying too much. It was a mess, none-the-less, and I'm relieved that I almost have permission to stop trying.

Alright, I have that out of my system now, I'm sorry for those who read it and didn't want to, but it's your own fault, I did warn you lol

About the sermon this past Sunday, and how there are your button pushers, and those who energize you, it felt weird to say it outloud, but talking on here seems better. If you're reading this at all Brian, you're my energiser. :) I just wanted to let you know that you were the one I thought of when John was talking about those type of people.

Ok so now that I've completely exausted the emotional part of my mind I shall move onto the nonsense part.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonsense

http://nonsense.sourceforge.net/

http://www.nonsensenyc.com/

And yes, I did look up nonsense on Google in order to make that sentence ridiculously literal. :)


Thanks for reading, and being my precious stalkers!!

Tomorrow

Alright, confession, I refer to V-day as the 'evil holiday'. Sorry for those out there who enjoy it. I'm happy that you do, I really am, I just would prefer it if it would disappear for me. :)

Anyways, how I'm spending tomorrow is waking up at 8:15 am in order to get a shower in and get myself ready and leave the house by 9:30 am, so that my entire family can go to Atlanta for Natalie and a potential opportunity for her to win a scholarship to this one camp that I don't know much about.

Anywho, we're going to be spending an hour or so in Gerogia Tech. in a conference of sorts without her, because she'll be doing some activity thing. After this conference is over, my family (minus gnat..oh, btw, that's what I call natalie, if you didn't know..it's loving I promise :) ) is going to IKEA for the rest of the time and as I've never seen, let alone been in, an IKEA, I'll be roaming around exploring.

Hopefully I'll enjoy myself to some extent tomorrow, because after we get home, I have babysitting around 6:00 pm till whenever, maybe into the morning.

And then Sunday, supposedly I'm scheduled to be on production, even though I haven't gotten a schedule confirmation thing from James. Oh well, I hope that comes along ok.

So this wasn't necessarily much of a ramble, but I just decided to write, b/c I feel like It's not right if I don't write for one day.

Hope you have a great V-day!

Quotes:

Alright so I found a site that has my favorite quotes all on one page, and I'm going to give you a sample of them:

• "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
• "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
• "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
• "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
• "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
• "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
• "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

That last one I hope is true, because I've made it a habit to prefer to be asleep, and I really wish I would prefer to stay awake some day. :)

• "Women are like teabags; you never know how strong they are until they're put in hot water."
• "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
• "I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
• "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything."
• "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
• "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," He murmured.
  
  "What a stupid lamb, " I sighed.
  
  "What a sick, masochistic lion."

Alright that one right there, of course, is from Twilight. I find it kind of funny that this quote would be in the midst of a bunch of quotes that were made years and years ago...and that this quote is my favorite one from the entire series...it's kind of creepy that I would find it on the best page of quotes ever!!

• "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
• "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
• "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
• "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
• "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
• "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
• "Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
• "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

Ok so this became more than a sample...as I had too many wonderful quotes to show you to hold myself back...

I got these quotes from: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes
There are pages and pages of these quotes, and I only looked at the first one!!!

Forgetfulness

Do you often battle with forgetfulness? Is it something you just battle with with other people? I have my times where I completely forget what I was saying, but usually its more along the lines of being patient with those who forget something themselves.

I used to consider their forgetfulness an indicator that I wasn't memorable, that I didn't stand out enough. Now, I realize it's just something that comes with getting older. You forget things, and sometimes things get in the way of remembering.

Why I brought this up is because currently I'm waiting to see if my mom remembers that she told me that after her walk she would see a movie for school with me. Maybe she does remember, but wants me to come to her first.

But there's a problem with that in my mind. If I go to someone twice in a row about something, I'm being a nag or annoying. Yes, just going to someone twice makes me feel like I'm being annoying. I guess this isn't normal, because I've been told I worry too much, among other things.

Well, I want to end this on a good note, so I'm going to transfer to another less meaningful subject to my mind and talk about imaginary numbers. That's what I'm doing in Trig right now. I had an extremely easy lesson today about adding and subtracting imaginary numbers. I like those days. :)

Peace, piece, pieces peecees, reses, reesees, mices, meeces, wet womp woop. That's my contribution to meaningless words for the day.

Thank You. :)

A Super-Short Ramble

I am only writing this ramble because I wish to explain the picture to your right, and because it's a new day and I've gotten into the habit of writing once each day.

So the hatpin: I am assuming you all know what a hatpin was used for... I don't believe they are used anymore today. The dictionary definition of a hatpin is:

hat⋅pin

–noun

a long pin for securing a woman's hat to her hair, often having a bulbous decorative head of colored glass, simulated pearl, or the like.

---

Origin:
1890–95;

I, being a smartalec, made a tiny hat out of a really small piece of paper (I learned how to do this in 3rd grade) and found a pin to put it on. It is now literally a hatpin.

I love making something so literal it becomes ridiculous. :)

Bored, and a copyist.

Well, since Kara did this, my mom did this, and Brian sort-of did this, I'm going to do it.

Here we go:

1. I hate, I mean HATE change...as in jingling change in your pocket change...If I have it, and someone wants it, I feel like I'm getting the better side of the deal.
2. I love to see plays/musicals. I grew up going to them once a year at Christmas, and I guess it stuck.
3. I also love amusement parks. They are the fav. If you gave me a week with nothing but amusement parks I'd be the happiest kid alive. No joke.
4. I dislike fish to a great extent. They are useless, and should only be used as food for other animals. They are the world's greatest moochers.
5. I tend to write/express my emotions as if I'm an extremist, but I find it irritating when someone does the same. I'm such a hypocrite.
   
6. I like to randomly organize things. I used to organize the white label sheets at church by the amount of labels on each sheet, least to greatest with least on top so that whoever was using them would use up a sheet before they started another one.
7. If you didn't notice from the last one, I also don't like wastefulness. It bugs me.
   
8. I apologize alot. Well, I used to apologize alot, then people started to get mad at me for apologizing, then I apologized some more, so I realized that to stop that cycle was to stop. I haven't completely, but it's toned down more.
   
9. I see letters and numbers in color. This is called Synaesthesia. This is the only thing about me that makes me feel special.
10. I am an auditory learner, except when it comes to directions. I am horrible at directions. If you can give me a land mark to look for, then maybe the directions will work. If you don't, however, be prepared to find me a map.
11. I've already gotten pulled over once since I got my license. I didn't get a ticket, but it freaked the heck out of me for like three days straight. Never get pulled over.
12. Now whenever I drive I have people passing me because said pull-over has made me jumpy and I go too slow.
13. When David Isbell first came to our church, I had to meet him twice in a row because one night I wore my glasses, and the night after I put my contacts in. He wasn't very happy that I'd fooled him, and that started our friendship. :)
14. Last summer was the best summer I've ever had in my entire life. I'm sure I'll never be able to top that summer. I met too many people, laughed too much, and had too much random fun for that stuff to be topped.
15. I like Kangaroos and Seahorses for the same reasons: they both have a really cool pouch attacted to their front. I think I wanted to have one once. I guess that's what started my containers fad.
16. This is a really long list, and I wasn't expecting it to go this long. At least I'm not bored anymore.
    
17. My favorite dog is a Burnese Mountain Dog. I was able to take care of one this past fall, and I was so syked as I had never been near one before. They're really expensive dogs. If you don't know what they look like go here: http://www.berner.org/
18. This number is my favorite. It also happens to be orange in my mind. Sorry Kara. :P
19. I really dislike snakes and jumping insects. Both scare me. Grasshoppers make me jump, but they're ok. Jumping spiders have made me scream before. Outloud.
    
20. I sometimes feel one-upped by my sisters and it really used to bother me when I was younger. When they surpassed me in something I would give it up. That's why I don't have any hobbies anymore. My sisters got better than me at them and I gave up. It doesn't bother me anymore, unless someone asks me what hobbies I have, and then I'm reminded of why I have none.
21. I prefer star shaped things to heart shaped things. I don't know why.
22. I have one certain backpack that I bring with me whenever I sleep over at someone else's house. I don't think I've used anything else since I got it when I was 6 or so.
    
23. I don't really like my last name, but I wish it would stay in our family just because it's dying out. The line from Paul Perkins (my dad's dad) has dead ended with all girls. It's a shame.
24. I love maps and floor plans. I can be entertained by putting me in some random place with a map (or even without one) and letting me roam.
25. I am almost sad ending this. I guess I actually do like talking about myself now. It's strange how much people change in a few years time.