Is it my own problem?

I don't often tell others how I'm feeling if it's in a negative spectrum.

This is for certain reasons I can give you right now:

1. while I am bemoaning my troubles, I feel guilty for taking up their time in something that I know I will get over eventually, not to mention taking up the time they could be using to let me know what's going on with them.
   
2. the people that I want to tell are busy often, so that puts more guilt on top of it, which leaves me to #3...
3. the people who are available can't help me. they either aren't made to be listeners and tell me their troubles right after as if to let me know that they know how I'm feeling (though this only makes me feel like they are trying to compete with my miseries, and I do know they're only trying to help), or they try to listen and seem distracted half the time. those are usually the busy ones as well.
4. complaining is a big no-no to me. I even refuse to cry in public most of the time, because it seems like im complaining. if someone starts complaining of their situation, i have a hard time listening with an open heart. most of the time i just want to hit them over the head and say "LOOK! your situations don't make you! this is just a season in time! you can be better than this if you just look for the blessings and at least TRY to ignore these hard times!" and yet sometimes I want to have someone where i can do the same thing to, which would make me a hypocrite (which I also hate), so i don't say anything at all and let them whine. (FYI when I mean complain I mean the whining type of complaining.)
   
5. I'm afriad if I start I'll never stop, and then I'll start crying and I'll eventually pass out from exaustion. Yes, this has happened before, because I save my hurts till i cant stand it anymore and i start to cry without any trigger at all and someone notices and asks me what's wrong. (this is usually when my hormones are out of whack at the same time)
   
6. put all of this together, with a few other things im sure i forgot to mention, makes me not want to tell others how im feeling until I burst.
   

And really, if you want to know how I'm feeling right now, I want to burst.

burst into a thousand pieces so no one could find the matches and stop exsisting. Or just to rest. I don't know, i know I don't want my life to end, but at the same time eternal peace seems tempting. I would never commit siucide (think about it, if the last act of your life would be taking the gift God gave you and abusing it, and then you go SEE Him straight after, wouldn't that be humiliating?!?) but I wish he'd just take me and get over with it sometimes. It's not my job to give out death and life, but I wish the God of it all would!

I guess it's becuase life is so frustrating, and tiring, and sometimes dreadful, and you dont even want to get out of bed some mornings, that you want all of it to end.

what was the point of all of this?

i'm not sure. somthing to do with my own problem, and i know I had a point, but when i talk i lose all threads of the convo and just rove along.

this is my best replacement for talking. i know i have plently of friends who would sit and listen to me talk to them about this, but despite how much i love them they don't feel to me like the person I can share it all with. my mom is the closest person to a best friend I have right now, becuase she's a pretty good listener, and she's had to deal with my break downs for years now, but i feel guilty for taking up her time all the time, as she's busy and has her own stuff to deal with and the bemoanings of her teenage, hormone ridden daughter shouldn't be her #1 priority. I know she loves me, she's given me plenty evidence of the fact, as she hugs me when I open my arms (which is every day, at least twice a day), and listens when she can (which is usually at the end of the day when she's exausted) and so she has shown me she cares, but that gives me even more guilt that im taking up her time.


agh the weight of my world plus everyone else's that i care about on my shoulders.



and I go through this every few months and its this stupid/silly constant cycle that my mom has to see me go through over and over, and it usually has to do with me being lonely in a crowded room. even with people who love me all over the place, i still have a hole somewhere near my heart, and recently it's been growing without my consent.

you know i like making people laugh. that's a simple joy that i have no idea how it happens or when i got funny.


I dont know if i'd call myself a stressed out person, but every once in a while i get stir-crazy just like everyone else and feel like getting in the car and driving till nothing is familiar and just sitting somewhere where the warm wind blows and just being.


I love to just be. its a rare occassion for me, and there are few people who i can just be with. well, if i was to be completely honest, only two, and almost three. my mom knows of these people and i am blessed to know them, but i hardly get to see them and soak in their wonderfulness as they have busier lives than me. and it hurts.


...and it hurts....