Passages into Time

Writing has always been an outlet for me, usually to ease any clutter that has built up in my mind - preventing me from thinking clearly.

But I once wrote stories. I once had ideas and scenes in my mind that I would transfer to paper. I used to write.

I have kept the majority of these writings, though most of them I never completed, only started.

I miss that part of me. The ability to create fiction from my imagination, to engage someone else's mind by them reading what I've poured onto paper.

Ideas, thoughts, conversation, imagination.

I stopped writing because my sisters surpassed me in this pursuit, able to write longer and more engaging then I ever was. Or so I thought at that time.

Now I realize that if I kept going I could make my own type of stories, ones unique to me, and maybe, just maybe I could've gone into something that involved writing. Now, because I chose to abandon that hobby, I haven't written fiction in a good 4 or 5 year time.

Don't give up on what you enjoy, just because someone seems better at it than you. Granted, Deanna is brilliant when it comes to fantasy fiction. But letting go of writing was the worst mistake I made.

Now I write to instruct, or to just let it all out. I don't know if I'll ever get back into the groove of fictional writing.

Don't let it go, whatever that thing might be.

Words in a sequence mean nothing to me...

Just random words/phrases today, my mind is cluttered, yet not able to fully connect, as I did babysitting this morning starting when I usually wake up. I'm not up for this...How do single mom's do it!?!?!

Flitter, glitter, glutter, glut, gutter, mutter, moot, dictionary search, hope, cause, life, acceptance, leaf, leaves, blowing, out, over the rainbow, four score and seven years ago our for (?) fathers brought fourth upon this continent a new nation, california, itsy bitsy spider, baby bop, too much, explode, universal, purple, unchanging, fruit loop, leggo my eggo, constantinople!!!!


This is the end of my little tirade (or just randomness, whichever you prefer).


Tidbit: I have a hard time making decisions because I automatically "plug" myself into the person's mindset(the one who asked me to make the decision) to find what they would enjoy/prefer etc., without thinking and not because I wish to please but because what they think matters more to me than what I think/want.

I'm not sure if that's a confession or a tidbit, but there you go...

G-night!

Continuing to continue

I've been working on my Mom's laptop today for school, since I was supposed to talk to my "Physics helper" on my Dad's Yahoo account, but that's not working so I haven't had to do that.

I wish I had my own computer still. It would be so nice to have my stuff sitting there without me having to log out for someone else, without me pay attention to how long I've been on the computer for someone else's sake, and to be able to just WORK with it without everyone else needing it when I want to work with it.

I figured out what I'm going to bring to Fuze this Sunday for the giving away stuff deal: my old Barbies that I never got rid of but wanted so badly when I was asking for them. This of course was at least 8 years ago, but I still kept them in my room for some reason....I guess so that I could give them away.

So yeah I'm going to try to fit all of it into one bag (doubt it, there's a barbie house and car too), and bring it to Fuze hopefully on the sly. ;)

This day has been a day of daydreaming, thinking about a certain subject, and not really able to connect to everything in general.

I need to chill. Good thing Lie to Me is on tonight. (It better be) That's my newest favorite show, I can actually learn something from it, it's great. :)


Tidbit: I get claustrophobic if I can't move my elbows. This includes keeping my shoulders free, but if my shoulders are free and my elbows aren't, I'll still freak. I dont know what would happen, but I think I'd start thrashing and maybe screaming if no one was around to hear me and help.

What a lovely idea. :P

Hope you have a good day despite this slightly soggy weather we're having...

To Distract

If I am just so frustrated with someone I want to stab them, I listen to music, and I feel better -- more like myself -- and am able to breathe.

I'm still frustrated with that person, but I am able to relax my tensed muscles and just breathe...

Just breathe, it's gonna be ok.... ha hee hoo and just breathe. (Parody of Just Dance by Lady Gaga)

In, out....breathe.....
in, out.....breathe.....

It's gonna change....one thing that you can trust wont change is change....

Breathe

Little Bits of Me

I've decided to post little bits of me every time I post a new entry on my blog at the bottom of my posts.

I have no idea why I've decided on this, maybe for God to show me I'm unique...I am not sure.

So I'm following a spontaneity, and going with it, one of the things I don't do in my life pretty much at all. (this isn't the tibit lol)

So today I actually blow dried my hair and straightened it out, and it looks like it should. I keep forgetting that I've changed over the years and that God has blessed me with good looks, I have to keep reminding myself that.

I think I'm picking up D @ Timothy Ministries, but I need to check with my mom.

I'm supposed to be doing school right now, but I'm feeling kinda listless again, so I'm procrastinating.

I really really really want to know if I've made it into S. Poly. I'm almost aching with it.

But I'm also aching with somthing else so maybe I just really want to know and I'm in reality aching for the other thing. Which I will not share. It's in my personal journal, not to see daylight by the public. :)



Tibit: I like to listen to the Rap/R&B stations like 95.5 and (I guess) 94.1

Jen got me into it, and taught me to dance by those beats. I don't like to actually listen to the lyrics though, they're usually in the yuck section of my brain.


May you find a Piece of God's Happiness Today.

Monday blues

So I haven't blogged in forever and a day, but I'm feeling the restlessness of many words clogging up my thinking functions, and I decided to let some more out before I continue my schoolwork for the day.


My current stress pattern is in the form of acceptance to SPSU (southern polytechnic state university), and I'm dearly hoping to be accepted, because then at least I'll be moving forward and be doing something. If it does fall through, however, I'll be back at square one, wondering what God wants me to do.

I do not have the goals, ideas, dreams, thoughts, hopes, anything that many students start out with when going to school. I am at a loss of what to do. I know what NOT to do, but that only helps when you are in a position that you need to make the right decision. In circumstances like these, however, I have no idea what is going on. If I don't get accepted into SPSU, I'll be just here. Note: I've been in that state so darn often that I am SICK of it, and know the feeling and position so often I almost DREAD not getting into college b/c of the feeling that that comes with.

Some might say, ok you didn't get into that college, why dont you just apply to more colleges? Well, here's the thing: I am going to college because it's the step my parents tell me is the best way to go. Because I don't have any motivation for myself, I am doing what they say is right, good, etc. This getting through to this one college is a mess as it is, and the way my mind's going right now is that college isn't worth all this blood, sweat, and tears they ask for. Being a homeschool student makes it hard to get into a school, and Southern Poly looks like the eaisest one to deal with. As it was, my mom has had to work very hard to get together a packet of all the work I've done so that they can know I haven't slacked off my whole highschool career.

But if I don't get in, I'll go beserk! I don't think it's worth it! It's not worth all this pain so that I can go to a school and mess around with my head, get extremely stressed out about my grades (which I KNOW I will do), and maybe have a life change that isn't good for my well-being....I--don't--know!!!!!

So yeah, this is the current stress of my life.


I've been getting more money, which is good, because my only income is babysitting, and I have a phone to pay for, let alone summer camp this year. Luckily I was one of the few who can pay for my entire camp tuition on my own this year, God has blessed me with that.


Physics is hard, especially since it turns out that I am taking an AP Physics class, which should prepare me for college (if I get accepted), and if it doesn't then it'll turn out that I beated my brains out for nothing.


Plans: Hopefully I'll be able to go to Six Flags with Jen this coming Spring Break, as she wanted to do somthing with me, and I was truly tempted with going to Six Flags (I'm an amusement park junkie :]) and I'm already in Six Flags mode though it'll be like two weeks away lol.


Oh dear, it's getting late. I should finish my Trig today at least, hopefully by tomorrow I'll get done alot of physics, as I am behind again. Yuck.


Hope your Monday went well!

Rubber Bands

Today I went to my orthodontist appt., and got a new heavier wire + rubber bands on each side of my mouth. I can open my mouth and it'll just hang there only about a finger width wide. Fun fun.

But the good side of this is, that if all goes well, I'll get my braces off before I go to college!!! Yay!! That is very good news for me, as the one year mark is this April, and I wanted them off before the two year mark. :)

Oh, and whenever I open my mouth, it feels like I have fangs on either side b/c of the rubber bands....I've been feeling like a snake..... hisssssssssss :P


I have babysitting again today, though my usual days are Mondays and Wednesdays from 1:00-6:00 pm. Today Mrs. Bridgett has an appt. of some sort and needs me from 3:45-whenever someone gets home. Which should be shortly after, as there are some things happening tomorrow that require prep. for their family. So It'll be a relatively short day today via babysitting, but today is Natalie's Birthday!!!! She's now 12, and I hope she'll write about her party this weekend in her blog. :)


I need to get to schoolwork, as I have a ton of Physics to do, but thankfully I have 4 hours or so to do it.


Have a beautimous Tuesday!!!!