So I guess this has become my mini diary that I put out there in public in order to stop being afraid of what people think.
But that's too long to be a title so I'll keep what I've already got.
Confession -- I feel so left out of life right now.
Being sick has made my life horrible.
It's fall, so so many things are happening -- people are getting married, festivals are happening, people are going places, and fun things in general are going around.
And I can't participate.
I've been sick, and I have schoolwork that I can't just up and forget about.
I'm just miserable. I can't be around people for too long because of my coughing, and I can't afford to go places because of my money limit.
I know my friends haven't forgotten about me, and they want me to come hang out with them...but my life is getting in the way of LIFE.
Being a college student who gets sick every couple months SUCKS.
I've been told that this wont last forever.....yes I know, but I still have TWO YEARS of this left and after that I may not even find a job that make it all worth it.
Can't this world just end already??
Sunday, October 9
Monday, September 26
Paranoid Self
I have come to see the light about my paranoid side -- it is quite prevalent primarily in my interactions with men.
For example: I find that I consider eating to be a very private and intimate thing. Which I guess is weird, except I cannot help it. It is not something I can reason myself out of. If I'm with a large group of people, I naturally don't eat. It is how it's been for as long as I can remember. I don't know why or when it developed.
So, as a result, whenever some guy asks if I wanna go grab lunch, my brain goes "no, you're nice and all, but I dont like you like THAT!"....and then I can't leave the issue alone. I get obsessive about if he is trying to get too close, or if I'm being paranoid, and I enjoy talking to him but I'm being rude but I don't want to encourage him in that area and I explode internally. Which I guess is imploding.
The fact that its an issue in the first place is a problem. But that I make SUCH an issue about a non-issue is even more of a problem.
I'm just a problem.
And a mess.
For example: I find that I consider eating to be a very private and intimate thing. Which I guess is weird, except I cannot help it. It is not something I can reason myself out of. If I'm with a large group of people, I naturally don't eat. It is how it's been for as long as I can remember. I don't know why or when it developed.
So, as a result, whenever some guy asks if I wanna go grab lunch, my brain goes "no, you're nice and all, but I dont like you like THAT!"....and then I can't leave the issue alone. I get obsessive about if he is trying to get too close, or if I'm being paranoid, and I enjoy talking to him but I'm being rude but I don't want to encourage him in that area and I explode internally. Which I guess is imploding.
The fact that its an issue in the first place is a problem. But that I make SUCH an issue about a non-issue is even more of a problem.
I'm just a problem.
And a mess.
Friday, September 16
Openness
I really don't know how many still read my blog, but I think it's time to say a few things that need to be said.
I am not an openly honest person.
This breaks down into two parts: I am not open, and I am not completely honest.
My lack of openness can be seen in many different ways. First, I am not open in classroom settings. This is portrayed by my lack of speaking up in class as well as saying what I'm really thinking. I do not feel constricted by this fact, but rather have made that my comfort zone. None-the-less, I am still stunting my fully-fledged self. I consider this a good thing because I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who clamor to be heard and known and acknowledged, and I refuse to join them.
Another way I am not open can be coupled with my lack of complete honesty. If you first meet me, I am sure you would not label me as an emotional person. I am in fact such a being. But again, I see everyone who I find overly-dramatic with their emotions showing everyone who can see and hear what they are thinking at the time, and I refuse to join them. Yes, there is a healthy amount of tears, but I unfortunately cannot have just that much. I am all or nothing (or at least have been) and I would rather be nothing than everything. So I bottle it all up. I even have a trick. Apparently I cannot be surprised and cry at the same time. So, if I mimic a surprised facial expression, my tears go back into my tear ducts and I'm home free...until I find another thing worth of emotion and I have to do it all over again. I've gotten to the point where I only have to do this every once in a while, when I'm a hormonal mess and about to explode. Besides that I seem stone-cold. I will try to empathize with my words, but my emotions stay intact, just as I want them to be.
Finally, my lack of complete honesty. I am a mess. True and clear. I have worked on my thinking so much that I don't know what I like. I don't know what I'd do in situations. I don't know what I enjoy the most....or even more than something else. Everything has been so manipulated in my brain...attempting to see every side of an issue or interest or idea...that I do not know what I identify with. I've always wondered if this was just the way things were....as a teenager. I'm now 20 and this hasn't changed. I've done some irreparable damage on my psyche and how I identify myself, and this has been going on for years. I constantly wonder if there is seriously something wrong with myself, but I cannot identify it, because I am so good at adaptation and camouflage. I am SO good at lying to myself and others that I don't know where I stand about myself anymore. I don't even remember the last time I did know who I was. I can give you adjectives that I know you like to hear me say about myself, but that's just a part of my manipulation of my psyche. I know what roles to play and how to play them, and I do what I can with my best ability. But I have no clue where I stand with myself. And I am SURE this plays into my couple problem. I have so many conflicting things involving couples that its a whole other blog issue. Which I'm not comfortable with sharing to the public quite yet.
But this needed to be said. It wasn't enough to write in a diary and left under my bed. I needed to tell the truth.
For Once.
Another thing I am not 100% honest about. I am a vain and needy person. When I bother to do something with my looks I obsess about it for the rest of the day. I cannot imagine getting cancer and my hair falling out. Which means it'll probably happen to me. And I can't get dressed up in silly outfits or costumes because I feel like an idiot and I cannot stand that. So I heave learned how to ignore, manipulate, say no forcefully, charm, and throw a tantrum to keep myself from looking like a dressed-up idiot. This is why Halloween was done for me by the time I was 12. I do not understand why people get dressed up for Halloween, wear eye-catching colors in makeup, or wear anything out of the ordinary for conventions etc. I don't judge them, and enjoy them and their enthusiasm, but I will never be able to join in and understand them.
As for the needy, I always want and almost NEED confirmation. I need confirmation that I am engaging, funny, attractive, informative, that I can impact others, and anything else you can think of. I tell you I don't, because I do and I SHOULDN'T. But I really really really do. Whenever I communicate something to someone....anything, anything at all....I am waiting on pins and needles for their response. Because I want a confirmation. I want input. I want to know what I am to you.
Again, I am a mess.
Lauren
I am not an openly honest person.
This breaks down into two parts: I am not open, and I am not completely honest.
My lack of openness can be seen in many different ways. First, I am not open in classroom settings. This is portrayed by my lack of speaking up in class as well as saying what I'm really thinking. I do not feel constricted by this fact, but rather have made that my comfort zone. None-the-less, I am still stunting my fully-fledged self. I consider this a good thing because I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who clamor to be heard and known and acknowledged, and I refuse to join them.
Another way I am not open can be coupled with my lack of complete honesty. If you first meet me, I am sure you would not label me as an emotional person. I am in fact such a being. But again, I see everyone who I find overly-dramatic with their emotions showing everyone who can see and hear what they are thinking at the time, and I refuse to join them. Yes, there is a healthy amount of tears, but I unfortunately cannot have just that much. I am all or nothing (or at least have been) and I would rather be nothing than everything. So I bottle it all up. I even have a trick. Apparently I cannot be surprised and cry at the same time. So, if I mimic a surprised facial expression, my tears go back into my tear ducts and I'm home free...until I find another thing worth of emotion and I have to do it all over again. I've gotten to the point where I only have to do this every once in a while, when I'm a hormonal mess and about to explode. Besides that I seem stone-cold. I will try to empathize with my words, but my emotions stay intact, just as I want them to be.
Finally, my lack of complete honesty. I am a mess. True and clear. I have worked on my thinking so much that I don't know what I like. I don't know what I'd do in situations. I don't know what I enjoy the most....or even more than something else. Everything has been so manipulated in my brain...attempting to see every side of an issue or interest or idea...that I do not know what I identify with. I've always wondered if this was just the way things were....as a teenager. I'm now 20 and this hasn't changed. I've done some irreparable damage on my psyche and how I identify myself, and this has been going on for years. I constantly wonder if there is seriously something wrong with myself, but I cannot identify it, because I am so good at adaptation and camouflage. I am SO good at lying to myself and others that I don't know where I stand about myself anymore. I don't even remember the last time I did know who I was. I can give you adjectives that I know you like to hear me say about myself, but that's just a part of my manipulation of my psyche. I know what roles to play and how to play them, and I do what I can with my best ability. But I have no clue where I stand with myself. And I am SURE this plays into my couple problem. I have so many conflicting things involving couples that its a whole other blog issue. Which I'm not comfortable with sharing to the public quite yet.
But this needed to be said. It wasn't enough to write in a diary and left under my bed. I needed to tell the truth.
For Once.
Another thing I am not 100% honest about. I am a vain and needy person. When I bother to do something with my looks I obsess about it for the rest of the day. I cannot imagine getting cancer and my hair falling out. Which means it'll probably happen to me. And I can't get dressed up in silly outfits or costumes because I feel like an idiot and I cannot stand that. So I heave learned how to ignore, manipulate, say no forcefully, charm, and throw a tantrum to keep myself from looking like a dressed-up idiot. This is why Halloween was done for me by the time I was 12. I do not understand why people get dressed up for Halloween, wear eye-catching colors in makeup, or wear anything out of the ordinary for conventions etc. I don't judge them, and enjoy them and their enthusiasm, but I will never be able to join in and understand them.
As for the needy, I always want and almost NEED confirmation. I need confirmation that I am engaging, funny, attractive, informative, that I can impact others, and anything else you can think of. I tell you I don't, because I do and I SHOULDN'T. But I really really really do. Whenever I communicate something to someone....anything, anything at all....I am waiting on pins and needles for their response. Because I want a confirmation. I want input. I want to know what I am to you.
Again, I am a mess.
Lauren
Sunday, August 21
Enthusiasm
I don't know when the last time was that I was truly enthusiastic about something. Besides discussing a book. I really can't remember.
I've had a lot of: "oh that sounds like it should be exciting" moments, where I bring myself to have a passable enthusiasm.....but being enthusiastic about something on my own hasn't happened in quite a long time.
I'm just blah. Or depressed. Or maybe sometimes things will make me smile, and appreciate them. But not be enthusiastic.
I don't know if this is a part of my personality, or if it is a phase or season. I don't know.
The only form of "excitement" I may have is seeing people I've missed. Besides that, there really is nothing exciting out there for me.
I was excited for a bit about my idea for getting a masters in Early-childhood Development, which would couple with my Engineering Psych degree to help me develop software/ programs that would help kids learn at their critical stages.
Cause I prefer being with children over any age.
Everything is exciting for them. Their enthusiasm for something new is intoxicating. And I'm interesting by just being older than them. Which is pretty fun :)
I'm not cut out for a lot of things. I do my best, especially when it's my job. But my oomph is non-exsistent.
I don't know if I ever had it, or if I lost it along the way.
My friends get excited and involved and enthusiastic about so many things. And I'm just here.
One more time.
LP
I've had a lot of: "oh that sounds like it should be exciting" moments, where I bring myself to have a passable enthusiasm.....but being enthusiastic about something on my own hasn't happened in quite a long time.
I'm just blah. Or depressed. Or maybe sometimes things will make me smile, and appreciate them. But not be enthusiastic.
I don't know if this is a part of my personality, or if it is a phase or season. I don't know.
The only form of "excitement" I may have is seeing people I've missed. Besides that, there really is nothing exciting out there for me.
I was excited for a bit about my idea for getting a masters in Early-childhood Development, which would couple with my Engineering Psych degree to help me develop software/ programs that would help kids learn at their critical stages.
Cause I prefer being with children over any age.
Everything is exciting for them. Their enthusiasm for something new is intoxicating. And I'm interesting by just being older than them. Which is pretty fun :)
I'm not cut out for a lot of things. I do my best, especially when it's my job. But my oomph is non-exsistent.
I don't know if I ever had it, or if I lost it along the way.
My friends get excited and involved and enthusiastic about so many things. And I'm just here.
One more time.
LP
Saturday, August 13
TEXTBOOKS
I know I haven't written in quite a while, but i just had my first majorly-expensive textbook encounter and I'm still a bit stickershocked.
I'm hoping my parents can cover it, but IDK. To me $110 for a textbook ill be using for ONE CLASS seems excessive and overpriced, but to them they may think I'll be just fine.
I HATE SCHOOL.
STILL.
Yay ranting in public. I'm just so much fun aren't I?
I'm hoping my parents can cover it, but IDK. To me $110 for a textbook ill be using for ONE CLASS seems excessive and overpriced, but to them they may think I'll be just fine.
I HATE SCHOOL.
STILL.
Yay ranting in public. I'm just so much fun aren't I?
Friday, January 14
New toys
So I finally got my iPod touch this past Christmas and I'm LOVING it.
Being able to use it for practically anything has been lots of fun.
Buying free apps have been fun too :-)
Being able to use it for practically anything has been lots of fun.
Buying free apps have been fun too :-)
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