I have come to see the light about my paranoid side -- it is quite prevalent primarily in my interactions with men.
For example: I find that I consider eating to be a very private and intimate thing. Which I guess is weird, except I cannot help it. It is not something I can reason myself out of. If I'm with a large group of people, I naturally don't eat. It is how it's been for as long as I can remember. I don't know why or when it developed.
So, as a result, whenever some guy asks if I wanna go grab lunch, my brain goes "no, you're nice and all, but I dont like you like THAT!"....and then I can't leave the issue alone. I get obsessive about if he is trying to get too close, or if I'm being paranoid, and I enjoy talking to him but I'm being rude but I don't want to encourage him in that area and I explode internally. Which I guess is imploding.
The fact that its an issue in the first place is a problem. But that I make SUCH an issue about a non-issue is even more of a problem.
I'm just a problem.
And a mess.
Monday, September 26
Friday, September 16
Openness
I really don't know how many still read my blog, but I think it's time to say a few things that need to be said.
I am not an openly honest person.
This breaks down into two parts: I am not open, and I am not completely honest.
My lack of openness can be seen in many different ways. First, I am not open in classroom settings. This is portrayed by my lack of speaking up in class as well as saying what I'm really thinking. I do not feel constricted by this fact, but rather have made that my comfort zone. None-the-less, I am still stunting my fully-fledged self. I consider this a good thing because I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who clamor to be heard and known and acknowledged, and I refuse to join them.
Another way I am not open can be coupled with my lack of complete honesty. If you first meet me, I am sure you would not label me as an emotional person. I am in fact such a being. But again, I see everyone who I find overly-dramatic with their emotions showing everyone who can see and hear what they are thinking at the time, and I refuse to join them. Yes, there is a healthy amount of tears, but I unfortunately cannot have just that much. I am all or nothing (or at least have been) and I would rather be nothing than everything. So I bottle it all up. I even have a trick. Apparently I cannot be surprised and cry at the same time. So, if I mimic a surprised facial expression, my tears go back into my tear ducts and I'm home free...until I find another thing worth of emotion and I have to do it all over again. I've gotten to the point where I only have to do this every once in a while, when I'm a hormonal mess and about to explode. Besides that I seem stone-cold. I will try to empathize with my words, but my emotions stay intact, just as I want them to be.
Finally, my lack of complete honesty. I am a mess. True and clear. I have worked on my thinking so much that I don't know what I like. I don't know what I'd do in situations. I don't know what I enjoy the most....or even more than something else. Everything has been so manipulated in my brain...attempting to see every side of an issue or interest or idea...that I do not know what I identify with. I've always wondered if this was just the way things were....as a teenager. I'm now 20 and this hasn't changed. I've done some irreparable damage on my psyche and how I identify myself, and this has been going on for years. I constantly wonder if there is seriously something wrong with myself, but I cannot identify it, because I am so good at adaptation and camouflage. I am SO good at lying to myself and others that I don't know where I stand about myself anymore. I don't even remember the last time I did know who I was. I can give you adjectives that I know you like to hear me say about myself, but that's just a part of my manipulation of my psyche. I know what roles to play and how to play them, and I do what I can with my best ability. But I have no clue where I stand with myself. And I am SURE this plays into my couple problem. I have so many conflicting things involving couples that its a whole other blog issue. Which I'm not comfortable with sharing to the public quite yet.
But this needed to be said. It wasn't enough to write in a diary and left under my bed. I needed to tell the truth.
For Once.
Another thing I am not 100% honest about. I am a vain and needy person. When I bother to do something with my looks I obsess about it for the rest of the day. I cannot imagine getting cancer and my hair falling out. Which means it'll probably happen to me. And I can't get dressed up in silly outfits or costumes because I feel like an idiot and I cannot stand that. So I heave learned how to ignore, manipulate, say no forcefully, charm, and throw a tantrum to keep myself from looking like a dressed-up idiot. This is why Halloween was done for me by the time I was 12. I do not understand why people get dressed up for Halloween, wear eye-catching colors in makeup, or wear anything out of the ordinary for conventions etc. I don't judge them, and enjoy them and their enthusiasm, but I will never be able to join in and understand them.
As for the needy, I always want and almost NEED confirmation. I need confirmation that I am engaging, funny, attractive, informative, that I can impact others, and anything else you can think of. I tell you I don't, because I do and I SHOULDN'T. But I really really really do. Whenever I communicate something to someone....anything, anything at all....I am waiting on pins and needles for their response. Because I want a confirmation. I want input. I want to know what I am to you.
Again, I am a mess.
Lauren
I am not an openly honest person.
This breaks down into two parts: I am not open, and I am not completely honest.
My lack of openness can be seen in many different ways. First, I am not open in classroom settings. This is portrayed by my lack of speaking up in class as well as saying what I'm really thinking. I do not feel constricted by this fact, but rather have made that my comfort zone. None-the-less, I am still stunting my fully-fledged self. I consider this a good thing because I am overwhelmed by the amount of people who clamor to be heard and known and acknowledged, and I refuse to join them.
Another way I am not open can be coupled with my lack of complete honesty. If you first meet me, I am sure you would not label me as an emotional person. I am in fact such a being. But again, I see everyone who I find overly-dramatic with their emotions showing everyone who can see and hear what they are thinking at the time, and I refuse to join them. Yes, there is a healthy amount of tears, but I unfortunately cannot have just that much. I am all or nothing (or at least have been) and I would rather be nothing than everything. So I bottle it all up. I even have a trick. Apparently I cannot be surprised and cry at the same time. So, if I mimic a surprised facial expression, my tears go back into my tear ducts and I'm home free...until I find another thing worth of emotion and I have to do it all over again. I've gotten to the point where I only have to do this every once in a while, when I'm a hormonal mess and about to explode. Besides that I seem stone-cold. I will try to empathize with my words, but my emotions stay intact, just as I want them to be.
Finally, my lack of complete honesty. I am a mess. True and clear. I have worked on my thinking so much that I don't know what I like. I don't know what I'd do in situations. I don't know what I enjoy the most....or even more than something else. Everything has been so manipulated in my brain...attempting to see every side of an issue or interest or idea...that I do not know what I identify with. I've always wondered if this was just the way things were....as a teenager. I'm now 20 and this hasn't changed. I've done some irreparable damage on my psyche and how I identify myself, and this has been going on for years. I constantly wonder if there is seriously something wrong with myself, but I cannot identify it, because I am so good at adaptation and camouflage. I am SO good at lying to myself and others that I don't know where I stand about myself anymore. I don't even remember the last time I did know who I was. I can give you adjectives that I know you like to hear me say about myself, but that's just a part of my manipulation of my psyche. I know what roles to play and how to play them, and I do what I can with my best ability. But I have no clue where I stand with myself. And I am SURE this plays into my couple problem. I have so many conflicting things involving couples that its a whole other blog issue. Which I'm not comfortable with sharing to the public quite yet.
But this needed to be said. It wasn't enough to write in a diary and left under my bed. I needed to tell the truth.
For Once.
Another thing I am not 100% honest about. I am a vain and needy person. When I bother to do something with my looks I obsess about it for the rest of the day. I cannot imagine getting cancer and my hair falling out. Which means it'll probably happen to me. And I can't get dressed up in silly outfits or costumes because I feel like an idiot and I cannot stand that. So I heave learned how to ignore, manipulate, say no forcefully, charm, and throw a tantrum to keep myself from looking like a dressed-up idiot. This is why Halloween was done for me by the time I was 12. I do not understand why people get dressed up for Halloween, wear eye-catching colors in makeup, or wear anything out of the ordinary for conventions etc. I don't judge them, and enjoy them and their enthusiasm, but I will never be able to join in and understand them.
As for the needy, I always want and almost NEED confirmation. I need confirmation that I am engaging, funny, attractive, informative, that I can impact others, and anything else you can think of. I tell you I don't, because I do and I SHOULDN'T. But I really really really do. Whenever I communicate something to someone....anything, anything at all....I am waiting on pins and needles for their response. Because I want a confirmation. I want input. I want to know what I am to you.
Again, I am a mess.
Lauren
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