yeah, I know i keep changing my blog name....but im just not satisfied with it....and i like new names....and its one of the bad sides of me.....liking to change things/get new tings all the time...
as you can see( who in the world is reading this?) im not really caring to capatilize my words nor really pay attention to if im spellung it all right....
thats in aprt b/c im sick and my care center is mainly off, but also b/c of other reasons that give way to me not caring
for one....it feels like everyone my age is doing something this summer, simply b/c they graduated. so not happening in my arena. my big whoop for the summer is going to atlanta to spend maybe a few days with my mom and dad b/c they have to be down there anyways and "it might be nice to do stuff down there". woopee
the biggest trouble with this whole thing is not the places they go but the fact that they're doing it with lots of their friends....and that im finding all of this out on facebook.
so im getting in the depressed arena everytime i go onto facebook.
i should prob. boycott facebook for the summer just so i dont have to see whaqt people are doing, whether its celebrating graduation or just b/c they have friends and ideas to exxcecute.....either way its making me not want to wake up in the mornings.....
i only have a life on wednesdays, b/c then kara, d, gnat, heather and i go do stuff...which is sort of a tradition....but not really.
i need to get better....its something in my sinuses....and its really annoying....and my nose hurts too.....im typing without loking at the jey borad.....wow really close......lets try again....
with my eyes closed I can type pretty fastl....this is sotr of easu....but not.....ugh i just sneezed,,,,,,thius is no fun.....
haha i used commas....
ok im bored now....
tibit: im afriad of being in the same state im in (state of being) right now after college....but ppl keep telling me so much is going to change.....i dont believe them...i think ill still be lonely after all of this is over...
Friday, May 29
Wednesday, May 20
Random thoughts..
In no particular order:
I had something else to talk about, but I have forgotten it.....
I guess this post was mainly to just talk things out.......
Tibit: I stumble ALOT....if you dont know what that is, look up: stumbleupon.com
'tis amazing fun.....well if you're bored that is....
- Last time I went and exercised I lost at least 2 pounds, which I couldn't afford, and now I'm going to go and do it again, I hope I don't lose anymore....that would be bad....then I'd be 108 and as it is 110 is not enough.....My stomach is completely flat (which I suppose is good, but annoying cause I can see the results of my losing weight) now.
- Seeing everyone's plans for the summer, or even just what they're doing today on facebook makes me feel jealous....they actually have plans!!! Or they did something! Either way it makes me not like this stage of life I'm in. My summer plans are as follows:
- Highschool event June 5 & 6
- Babysitting for a whole week the second week of June
- Maybe being in Atlanta with my Mom & Dad every other day for a week...the rest of the days be the only one at home
- Student Orientation (which scares me) June 15 & 16
Woopee. Sounds like loads of fun doesn't it? Oh well, I'll be looking for the fun and blessings in the midst of those plans as usual.....just wish something BIG (that I consider fun) would happen for my last summer before college.....
- I really really really really really want my braces off soon....my next orthodontist appt. is on the 27th, and I'm hoping for it to be the last or the next to last appt. before I get them off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want them gone before college....
I had something else to talk about, but I have forgotten it.....
I guess this post was mainly to just talk things out.......
Tibit: I stumble ALOT....if you dont know what that is, look up: stumbleupon.com
'tis amazing fun.....well if you're bored that is....
Tuesday, May 19
Inner Self
During Fuze Sunday we were challenged to find our inner-selves, the person who is YOU.
Well, because of my history, I have had plenty of time to only do this and as a result this wasn't much of a challenge.....there are only a few things I do not like to come to grips with that they are a part of me.
For example:
...I cry often. If I'm happy, I feel like I'm going to cry. If I'm sad, I'm going to cry. If music touches my consciousness in a certain way, I cry. If I'm laughing really hard, I usually cry. The only time I am not likely to cry (tears) is when I'm in pain. I just tend to cry-out (if it's alot of pain) or just grit my teeth and bear with it until it goes away. So I guess you can easily tell if I'm in alot of pain...I'll actually have a reaction...
...I am afraid of messing up because of ignorance on my behalf. I'm afraid of messing up relationships, my life, someone else's life, someone else's feelings, a conversation, anything that has to do with messing up because of ignorance. Which makes me sort of on the paranoid side. And which also results in why I'm not more outgoing. It's all because I'm afriad of not doing well because I don't know what the person really needs, who they are, what they stand for, or why they are here. Which, I know, is the whole point of actually meeting them, but I still have this little factor that doesn't go away when I'm around people I don't know. I feel a responsibility to know, to find out, or to understand automatically. This is a constant dilemma of mine that I struggle with daily.
...I am a helper. I feel like I was made to help others in whatever pursuit they go toward. This also connects to the previous paragraph, as it has to do with a fear of not being prepared enough in order to actually help them. This is why I try to make myself available for anyone and everyone, becuase I have an inborn compulsion to help others in their circumstances. This sometimes has become my downfall, as I used it in a relationship with this one guy that I knew needed help, and I believed the way to help him was to give him what he wanted and be his girlfriend. I realized later that this was not the case and that allowing for that to happen without interest in him on my part was the worse move I could make in our friendship. Now we haven't spoken in a year because I had to break off our friendship. He was untintentionally (or maybe intentionally, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, as he was a sweet guy) messing with my inner self, and I had to figure out who I really was after I had only spoken with him over the phone or IM.
These are three inner parts of me that go to the core. And now I've shared information about me that I don't often do.
tibit: I always think I'm not describing things clearly and so it's my fault if others don't understand what I'm saying....
Well, because of my history, I have had plenty of time to only do this and as a result this wasn't much of a challenge.....there are only a few things I do not like to come to grips with that they are a part of me.
For example:
...I cry often. If I'm happy, I feel like I'm going to cry. If I'm sad, I'm going to cry. If music touches my consciousness in a certain way, I cry. If I'm laughing really hard, I usually cry. The only time I am not likely to cry (tears) is when I'm in pain. I just tend to cry-out (if it's alot of pain) or just grit my teeth and bear with it until it goes away. So I guess you can easily tell if I'm in alot of pain...I'll actually have a reaction...
...I am afraid of messing up because of ignorance on my behalf. I'm afraid of messing up relationships, my life, someone else's life, someone else's feelings, a conversation, anything that has to do with messing up because of ignorance. Which makes me sort of on the paranoid side. And which also results in why I'm not more outgoing. It's all because I'm afriad of not doing well because I don't know what the person really needs, who they are, what they stand for, or why they are here. Which, I know, is the whole point of actually meeting them, but I still have this little factor that doesn't go away when I'm around people I don't know. I feel a responsibility to know, to find out, or to understand automatically. This is a constant dilemma of mine that I struggle with daily.
...I am a helper. I feel like I was made to help others in whatever pursuit they go toward. This also connects to the previous paragraph, as it has to do with a fear of not being prepared enough in order to actually help them. This is why I try to make myself available for anyone and everyone, becuase I have an inborn compulsion to help others in their circumstances. This sometimes has become my downfall, as I used it in a relationship with this one guy that I knew needed help, and I believed the way to help him was to give him what he wanted and be his girlfriend. I realized later that this was not the case and that allowing for that to happen without interest in him on my part was the worse move I could make in our friendship. Now we haven't spoken in a year because I had to break off our friendship. He was untintentionally (or maybe intentionally, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, as he was a sweet guy) messing with my inner self, and I had to figure out who I really was after I had only spoken with him over the phone or IM.
These are three inner parts of me that go to the core. And now I've shared information about me that I don't often do.
tibit: I always think I'm not describing things clearly and so it's my fault if others don't understand what I'm saying....
Monday, May 11
its official
no one blogs anymore
agh I need fun........well im not as depressed as before, but i still feel like im just going through the motions and not really enjoying myself...
so done with writing already, i guess i know why many dont blog anymore....there's not much to say...
though im scared spitless of orientation........june 15 and 16th, its an overnighter......scary scary stuff for me............coplete strangers on my own.....overnight..........
aaaaaaahhhhh
but im trying not to think about it and just take one day at a time.......
tibit: my voice gets higher when i talk to people i dont know. its irratating....and if i laugh, it turns into a giggle.....even more irratating......i promise im not that airheaded sounding when you get to know me!!!
agh I need fun........well im not as depressed as before, but i still feel like im just going through the motions and not really enjoying myself...
so done with writing already, i guess i know why many dont blog anymore....there's not much to say...
though im scared spitless of orientation........june 15 and 16th, its an overnighter......scary scary stuff for me............coplete strangers on my own.....overnight..........
aaaaaaahhhhh
but im trying not to think about it and just take one day at a time.......
tibit: my voice gets higher when i talk to people i dont know. its irratating....and if i laugh, it turns into a giggle.....even more irratating......i promise im not that airheaded sounding when you get to know me!!!
Sunday, May 10
a few simple phrases
A few phrases in mind:
you feel so low you can't feel nothin' at all (Taylor Swift, Forever and Always)
even the man in the moon disappears/ somewhere in the stratosphere (forgot who by)
These two are just floating around in my head.
you feel so low you can't feel nothin' at all (Taylor Swift, Forever and Always)
even the man in the moon disappears/ somewhere in the stratosphere (forgot who by)
These two are just floating around in my head.
And so life continues.
Friday, May 8
Is it my own problem?
I don't often tell others how I'm feeling if it's in a negative spectrum.
This is for certain reasons I can give you right now:
And really, if you want to know how I'm feeling right now, I want to burst.
burst into a thousand pieces so no one could find the matches and stop exsisting. Or just to rest. I don't know, i know I don't want my life to end, but at the same time eternal peace seems tempting. I would never commit siucide (think about it, if the last act of your life would be taking the gift God gave you and abusing it, and then you go SEE Him straight after, wouldn't that be humiliating?!?) but I wish he'd just take me and get over with it sometimes. It's not my job to give out death and life, but I wish the God of it all would!
I guess it's becuase life is so frustrating, and tiring, and sometimes dreadful, and you dont even want to get out of bed some mornings, that you want all of it to end.
what was the point of all of this?
i'm not sure. somthing to do with my own problem, and i know I had a point, but when i talk i lose all threads of the convo and just rove along.
this is my best replacement for talking. i know i have plently of friends who would sit and listen to me talk to them about this, but despite how much i love them they don't feel to me like the person I can share it all with. my mom is the closest person to a best friend I have right now, becuase she's a pretty good listener, and she's had to deal with my break downs for years now, but i feel guilty for taking up her time all the time, as she's busy and has her own stuff to deal with and the bemoanings of her teenage, hormone ridden daughter shouldn't be her #1 priority. I know she loves me, she's given me plenty evidence of the fact, as she hugs me when I open my arms (which is every day, at least twice a day), and listens when she can (which is usually at the end of the day when she's exausted) and so she has shown me she cares, but that gives me even more guilt that im taking up her time.
agh the weight of my world plus everyone else's that i care about on my shoulders.
and I go through this every few months and its this stupid/silly constant cycle that my mom has to see me go through over and over, and it usually has to do with me being lonely in a crowded room. even with people who love me all over the place, i still have a hole somewhere near my heart, and recently it's been growing without my consent.
you know i like making people laugh. that's a simple joy that i have no idea how it happens or when i got funny.
I dont know if i'd call myself a stressed out person, but every once in a while i get stir-crazy just like everyone else and feel like getting in the car and driving till nothing is familiar and just sitting somewhere where the warm wind blows and just being.
I love to just be. its a rare occassion for me, and there are few people who i can just be with. well, if i was to be completely honest, only two, and almost three. my mom knows of these people and i am blessed to know them, but i hardly get to see them and soak in their wonderfulness as they have busier lives than me. and it hurts.
...and it hurts....
This is for certain reasons I can give you right now:
- while I am bemoaning my troubles, I feel guilty for taking up their time in something that I know I will get over eventually, not to mention taking up the time they could be using to let me know what's going on with them.
- the people that I want to tell are busy often, so that puts more guilt on top of it, which leaves me to #3...
- the people who are available can't help me. they either aren't made to be listeners and tell me their troubles right after as if to let me know that they know how I'm feeling (though this only makes me feel like they are trying to compete with my miseries, and I do know they're only trying to help), or they try to listen and seem distracted half the time. those are usually the busy ones as well.
- complaining is a big no-no to me. I even refuse to cry in public most of the time, because it seems like im complaining. if someone starts complaining of their situation, i have a hard time listening with an open heart. most of the time i just want to hit them over the head and say "LOOK! your situations don't make you! this is just a season in time! you can be better than this if you just look for the blessings and at least TRY to ignore these hard times!" and yet sometimes I want to have someone where i can do the same thing to, which would make me a hypocrite (which I also hate), so i don't say anything at all and let them whine. (FYI when I mean complain I mean the whining type of complaining.)
- I'm afriad if I start I'll never stop, and then I'll start crying and I'll eventually pass out from exaustion. Yes, this has happened before, because I save my hurts till i cant stand it anymore and i start to cry without any trigger at all and someone notices and asks me what's wrong. (this is usually when my hormones are out of whack at the same time)
- put all of this together, with a few other things im sure i forgot to mention, makes me not want to tell others how im feeling until I burst.
And really, if you want to know how I'm feeling right now, I want to burst.
burst into a thousand pieces so no one could find the matches and stop exsisting. Or just to rest. I don't know, i know I don't want my life to end, but at the same time eternal peace seems tempting. I would never commit siucide (think about it, if the last act of your life would be taking the gift God gave you and abusing it, and then you go SEE Him straight after, wouldn't that be humiliating?!?) but I wish he'd just take me and get over with it sometimes. It's not my job to give out death and life, but I wish the God of it all would!
I guess it's becuase life is so frustrating, and tiring, and sometimes dreadful, and you dont even want to get out of bed some mornings, that you want all of it to end.
what was the point of all of this?
i'm not sure. somthing to do with my own problem, and i know I had a point, but when i talk i lose all threads of the convo and just rove along.
this is my best replacement for talking. i know i have plently of friends who would sit and listen to me talk to them about this, but despite how much i love them they don't feel to me like the person I can share it all with. my mom is the closest person to a best friend I have right now, becuase she's a pretty good listener, and she's had to deal with my break downs for years now, but i feel guilty for taking up her time all the time, as she's busy and has her own stuff to deal with and the bemoanings of her teenage, hormone ridden daughter shouldn't be her #1 priority. I know she loves me, she's given me plenty evidence of the fact, as she hugs me when I open my arms (which is every day, at least twice a day), and listens when she can (which is usually at the end of the day when she's exausted) and so she has shown me she cares, but that gives me even more guilt that im taking up her time.
agh the weight of my world plus everyone else's that i care about on my shoulders.
and I go through this every few months and its this stupid/silly constant cycle that my mom has to see me go through over and over, and it usually has to do with me being lonely in a crowded room. even with people who love me all over the place, i still have a hole somewhere near my heart, and recently it's been growing without my consent.
you know i like making people laugh. that's a simple joy that i have no idea how it happens or when i got funny.
I dont know if i'd call myself a stressed out person, but every once in a while i get stir-crazy just like everyone else and feel like getting in the car and driving till nothing is familiar and just sitting somewhere where the warm wind blows and just being.
I love to just be. its a rare occassion for me, and there are few people who i can just be with. well, if i was to be completely honest, only two, and almost three. my mom knows of these people and i am blessed to know them, but i hardly get to see them and soak in their wonderfulness as they have busier lives than me. and it hurts.
...and it hurts....
Pressures and relief
So I'm not so happy about going into summer doing more Physics, and probably some Trig. too, but it's supposed to help me later on in school if I have to take physics, so that I can understand most of what's going on in the class. Does that make any sense?
just to give you an idea of how much farther i need to do, i have to complete a unit 4 test today and there are 11 units in all. ow.
hopefully though i can drop it b/c i wont be having physics till at least two years from now in college, so i wont have to go through the whole thing. but my mom is the one that will be telling me how far i need to go, b/c she's still in charge of what i do and dont do to prepare myself for college.
Being 18 doesn't do much right now, but who ever said an age gave you rights? I'm just legal now and can be held as an adult in a court of law. that's about it. rights for the other guy, not the person who is in the time period of living.
but i do know that if it was up to me i'd stop physics right now, and that wouldn't help me very much, so it's for the good of me that my mom is in charge of it, just frustrating b/c i feel like im dragging my heels and scolding myself at the same time for doing so. being a schiz is no fun. :P
Of course I'm not really schiz, just feel like im tearing myself apart inside from wanting to do the healthly thing on one hand and on the other wanting to just have some fun and get back to work later. but that's not about being an adult, and i dont want to act like a few people i know, so i keep going...and then the cycle repeats itself.
as i said, im tearing myself up...and it seems to be a daily occurance.
im beginning to treat this blog as almost a diary for the world. the only things i dont write in here are things i dont write down at all. or say outloud either.
I'm reading Enna Burning again. it's the sequel to the goose girl. i like that stuff.
i should probably get to that practice test, then the acutal test now. procrastination makes me feel guilty. but it still makes me feel good at the same time.....ugh tearing up inside........
tibit: I was planning on putting a relief down, but i cant think of any that i can do, yet makes me want to get back to work. :(
Ow
just to give you an idea of how much farther i need to do, i have to complete a unit 4 test today and there are 11 units in all. ow.
hopefully though i can drop it b/c i wont be having physics till at least two years from now in college, so i wont have to go through the whole thing. but my mom is the one that will be telling me how far i need to go, b/c she's still in charge of what i do and dont do to prepare myself for college.
Being 18 doesn't do much right now, but who ever said an age gave you rights? I'm just legal now and can be held as an adult in a court of law. that's about it. rights for the other guy, not the person who is in the time period of living.
but i do know that if it was up to me i'd stop physics right now, and that wouldn't help me very much, so it's for the good of me that my mom is in charge of it, just frustrating b/c i feel like im dragging my heels and scolding myself at the same time for doing so. being a schiz is no fun. :P
Of course I'm not really schiz, just feel like im tearing myself apart inside from wanting to do the healthly thing on one hand and on the other wanting to just have some fun and get back to work later. but that's not about being an adult, and i dont want to act like a few people i know, so i keep going...and then the cycle repeats itself.
as i said, im tearing myself up...and it seems to be a daily occurance.
im beginning to treat this blog as almost a diary for the world. the only things i dont write in here are things i dont write down at all. or say outloud either.
I'm reading Enna Burning again. it's the sequel to the goose girl. i like that stuff.
i should probably get to that practice test, then the acutal test now. procrastination makes me feel guilty. but it still makes me feel good at the same time.....ugh tearing up inside........
tibit: I was planning on putting a relief down, but i cant think of any that i can do, yet makes me want to get back to work. :(
Ow
Wednesday, May 6
Money
Isn't it nice to have money? the best thing for me is having a wachovia account that I can access online and can use a debit card.
I love buying things online. my most recent purchase is my ipod nano that I LOVE and have talked about more than once on here :)
i'm thinking about getting some speakers maybe to go with it and to put in my room, but I might want to wait till my new room is done first before I get into buying permanent-rather expensive- accessories.
ive been listening to a fave r&b/rap (not quite sure what category it's in...?) song over and over....1, 2 step by ciara, one of the few that isn't really provacative, but fun :)
I know it's not a traditional one that I like (usually christian stuff) but this is one of the few songs I dont tire of and can dance to...practically taught how to dance on this thing by Jen (one of the things im thankful for from her).
I bought it on itunes, which I like alot :)
We're supposed to have cheesecake tonight celebrating D's bday yum :)
Lie To Me is on at 8, then AI at 9....I wonder who's going to be off of the lineup tonight??
Tibit: I'm usually pretty good with my money, unless it has to do with office supplies, accessories (idk why), or other people's gifts...then I just buy without much of a budget. More so with other people's gifts...from worst to best its other's gifts-accessories-office supplies....lol
I love buying things online. my most recent purchase is my ipod nano that I LOVE and have talked about more than once on here :)
i'm thinking about getting some speakers maybe to go with it and to put in my room, but I might want to wait till my new room is done first before I get into buying permanent-rather expensive- accessories.
ive been listening to a fave r&b/rap (not quite sure what category it's in...?) song over and over....1, 2 step by ciara, one of the few that isn't really provacative, but fun :)
I know it's not a traditional one that I like (usually christian stuff) but this is one of the few songs I dont tire of and can dance to...practically taught how to dance on this thing by Jen (one of the things im thankful for from her).
I bought it on itunes, which I like alot :)
We're supposed to have cheesecake tonight celebrating D's bday yum :)
Lie To Me is on at 8, then AI at 9....I wonder who's going to be off of the lineup tonight??
Tibit: I'm usually pretty good with my money, unless it has to do with office supplies, accessories (idk why), or other people's gifts...then I just buy without much of a budget. More so with other people's gifts...from worst to best its other's gifts-accessories-office supplies....lol
Tuesday, May 5
sharing
Just decided to share:
The Five Love Languages
My Primary Love Language is Quality Time
| My Detailed Results: | |
|---|---|
| Quality Time: | 12 |
| Physical Touch: | 7 |
| Acts of Service: | 6 |
| Words of Affirmation: | 5 |
| Receiving Gifts: | 0 |
About this quiz
Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.
Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.
Tour
Had a tour of SPSU with my mom, which was kinda fun, b/c I got to see more of the campus without looking like a strange girl lost :P
The funny thing was that I was the only girl in the group, but that's how it's going to be there...the ratio at SPSU is 70 guys to 30 girls :P Which isn't too bad, considering I thought it was more like 80-20, but it's still a majority, and of that majority it's mainly Asians and African Americans, so I'm in the MINORITY minority haha. Oh and I'm also going into Mechatronics, which even LESS girls go into that so I'm minority minority minority....and one for good measure....minority lol
Anywho, it's all good, just thought I'd share that little bit.
tibit: I'm listneing to The Orphan by Newsboys
tibit 2: my nails are getting long.
tibit 3: I need a haircut
tibit 4: I'm almost done being sick and im hungry
tibit 5: I miss my people.
The funny thing was that I was the only girl in the group, but that's how it's going to be there...the ratio at SPSU is 70 guys to 30 girls :P Which isn't too bad, considering I thought it was more like 80-20, but it's still a majority, and of that majority it's mainly Asians and African Americans, so I'm in the MINORITY minority haha. Oh and I'm also going into Mechatronics, which even LESS girls go into that so I'm minority minority minority....and one for good measure....minority lol
Anywho, it's all good, just thought I'd share that little bit.
tibit: I'm listneing to The Orphan by Newsboys
tibit 2: my nails are getting long.
tibit 3: I need a haircut
tibit 4: I'm almost done being sick and im hungry
tibit 5: I miss my people.
Friday, May 1
An emotional ache
So today I have this weird aching feeling in my emotion department, which is not good, and I don't know what the cause is, which means I don't know how to get rid of it.
Putting it into smaller phrasing: I feel icky.
Today we (my mom, D, and I) went to Northpoint and that was nice. But that's when the achey feeling started.
I love this site: sumopaint.com
'Tis the bestest to play with and try your hand at quality stuff. It's also free :) It's almost like a free photoshop, but not exactly.
So this achey feeling is mostly when I stop DOING and start thinking. It's not like a headache, 'cause it's not in my head. It's more like heartache, but as it's not certain what a heartache feels like, I'm not certain it IS heartache.
I just feel like sighing all the time and doing nothing at all constructive. Ready for summer? Idk, but I know I'd want to be doing nothing with someone. But I don't know who.
This is such a sad feeling (I would say annoying, but it doesn't feel like I have enough energy to be annoyed). I want to curl up in a ball and just lay on my side till it goes away.
Made this on sumopaint.com
You should really try it.
Later
Putting it into smaller phrasing: I feel icky.
Today we (my mom, D, and I) went to Northpoint and that was nice. But that's when the achey feeling started.
I love this site: sumopaint.com
'Tis the bestest to play with and try your hand at quality stuff. It's also free :) It's almost like a free photoshop, but not exactly.
So this achey feeling is mostly when I stop DOING and start thinking. It's not like a headache, 'cause it's not in my head. It's more like heartache, but as it's not certain what a heartache feels like, I'm not certain it IS heartache.
I just feel like sighing all the time and doing nothing at all constructive. Ready for summer? Idk, but I know I'd want to be doing nothing with someone. But I don't know who.
This is such a sad feeling (I would say annoying, but it doesn't feel like I have enough energy to be annoyed). I want to curl up in a ball and just lay on my side till it goes away.
Made this on sumopaint.com
You should really try it.
Later
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