Catch Up

It's almost been a full year since I last wrote in my blog. Since then, my writing has gotten worse. Funny how you use it or lose it with so many things as you get older.

Where I am right now in life:

• I've been to China (Beijing and Shanghai; Shanghai is the favorite)
• I am about to graduate college in 3 months
• Finding more about what I need in a life-partner (funny how these things happen when you're not dating)
• I have found a passion in personal organizing. I would love to turn it into a profession, but know nothing about making a business and I can't afford nor want to go back to school to get an MBA just yet. 
• I have almost been forced into finding my balance between loving and having to let those I love go. My automatic reaction to knowing that I have to let seasons of life happen is to not get caught up and not love at all. God has shown me that not only is that a stupid and selfish way of looking at it, but it also closes me off for more permanent relationships. I have to love and learn if I'm ever going to live.
• I have found I place almost everything into experiences. I want to experience anything and everything. Which is a good thing and a bad thing in a way. It's good because that keeps me curious and ready to try new things. It's bad because I have the tendency to take things I shouldn't (like dating, for an example) and strip them down into only experiences and lose sight of what it really is. A complicated, loving, heartache mess that with God is still worth it all.
• I still have no idea what's going to happen to me after graduation. I don't know what I want to do with my degree, or if I want to even go for what I'm getting it in. I'm not worried, per se, since I know God will show me if I keep my eyes open, and people never stay in what they start in, but all I see in three months time is a big blank nothing. And that's slightly in the terrifying zone of things. 
• I haven't danced in a long time. I don't know why. I feel the urge, but I either start and falter out or feel self-conscious and half-dance. I haven't let go in a long time. I suppose some of that is knowing that I use my hands more than others, and my feet hardly move at all. But I want my entire self to feel and I can't create it so I stop if I ever start. I have been watching many things involving dancing, including Dance Academy, an Australian dancing tv show on Netflix, and TwinSauce, which are twin brothers who are having a blast and a half worshiping God with their whole selves.  This is the video that got me started on their channel. Both things make me want to dance, and yet I still have something blocking me from just going.
• Another thing I've realized and hate to admit: I care too much about appearances. "How it looks" is something I struggle with all of the time. It is my greatest and longest struggle. It's the hardest when it interferes with interactions with people. It's always in the back of my mind, and translates over to "how I look". Which is one of the reasons why I don't wear makeup on a daily basis. After spending that time looking at myself in the mirror (I avoid mirrors generally) I have spent time trying to cover flaws and enhance good features and in the end it has been all about me. For the rest of that day I find myself being more of....well.....a jerk. I hate it when I get this way, but for some reason one triggers the other. So I avoid it. But caring about appearances still follows me everywhere. (This is one of the reasons why I pursue being around people who help me be silly and a goof. That's when I feel the most like me.)

Well these bullet points have turned into paragraphs, so I guess it's time to say adieu. 

Over and out -- LP