Inner Self

During Fuze Sunday we were challenged to find our inner-selves, the person who is YOU.

Well, because of my history, I have had plenty of time to only do this and as a result this wasn't much of a challenge.....there are only a few things I do not like to come to grips with that they are a part of me.

For example:

...I cry often. If I'm happy, I feel like I'm going to cry. If I'm sad, I'm going to cry. If music touches my consciousness in a certain way, I cry. If I'm laughing really hard, I usually cry. The only time I am not likely to cry (tears) is when I'm in pain. I just tend to cry-out (if it's alot of pain) or just grit my teeth and bear with it until it goes away. So I guess you can easily tell if I'm in alot of pain...I'll actually have a reaction...


...I am afraid of messing up because of ignorance on my behalf. I'm afraid of messing up relationships, my life, someone else's life, someone else's feelings, a conversation, anything that has to do with messing up because of ignorance. Which makes me sort of on the paranoid side. And which also results in why I'm not more outgoing. It's all because I'm afriad of not doing well because I don't know what the person really needs, who they are, what they stand for, or why they are here. Which, I know, is the whole point of actually meeting them, but I still have this little factor that doesn't go away when I'm around people I don't know. I feel a responsibility to know, to find out, or to understand automatically. This is a constant dilemma of mine that I struggle with daily.


...I am a helper. I feel like I was made to help others in whatever pursuit they go toward. This also connects to the previous paragraph, as it has to do with a fear of not being prepared enough in order to actually help them. This is why I try to make myself available for anyone and everyone, becuase I have an inborn compulsion to help others in their circumstances. This sometimes has become my downfall, as I used it in a relationship with this one guy that I knew needed help, and I believed the way to help him was to give him what he wanted and be his girlfriend. I realized later that this was not the case and that allowing for that to happen without interest in him on my part was the worse move I could make in our friendship. Now we haven't spoken in a year because I had to break off our friendship. He was untintentionally (or maybe intentionally, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, as he was a sweet guy) messing with my inner self, and I had to figure out who I really was after I had only spoken with him over the phone or IM.




These are three inner parts of me that go to the core. And now I've shared information about me that I don't often do.


tibit: I always think I'm not describing things clearly and so it's my fault if others don't understand what I'm saying....